Young Writers Society

I wrote this a long time ago. I haven't written much lately so I figured I might as well post this sense it seems decent to me.

Anyways, I give you my very own:

Desperation Heartache


It lurches, it churns
In the fire of my heart it burns,
The creature is alive
And from within my thoughts it cries.

The doctors, they give me pills,
They give me herbs,
But that only makes it worse,

It’s desperation heartache,
That makes my insides burn.
It’s just a feeling that sends the doctors
Reeling to find a cure.

This isn’t an ordinary,
this ain't an ordinary disease,
It’s just a need, a need,
for me to be free.

The exorcisms the priests perform,
How long will it take until they learn,
It’s not the devil that tears me apart,

With no arms and replacement heart,
Don’t wanna live with another's body part,
Where's the morality?
Why won't they let death set me free?

This desperation heartache,
That makes my insides burn.
It’s just a feeling that sends the doctors
Reeling to find a cure.

This isn’t any ordinary,
This isn’t any ordinary disease,
It’s just a need, a need,
For me to be free.
It’s just a need, a need,
Set me free.

When will these doctors let me be?
Death come along and set me free.
Take my hand and set me free.

I think this is really good!

It lurches, it churns
In the fire of my heart it burns,
The creature is alive
And from within my thoughts it cries.

First line, fairly good. Good word choice.
Second line, love it. Excellent phrasing.
Third line, confusing. You never later explain what the creature is.
Fourth line, good. No comment.

The doctors, they give me pills,
They give me herbs,
But that only makes it worse,

All nice, but it only has three lines instead of four like all your other stanzas.

It’s desperation heartache,
That makes my insides burn.
It’s just a feeling that sends the doctors
Reeling to find a cure.

I like this, I can almost imagine the tune of the song in my head. Awesome.

This isn’t an ordinary,
this ain't an ordinary disease,

I'm just wondering why you used ordinary twice, and you basically repeated a line, just adding a word. Since it's a song, it's hard to tell whether this would sounds right or not, but from reading that's what I can tell.

With no arms and replacement heart,

Whoah whoah wait. Where'd the "no arms" part come from?

Death come along and set me free.
Take my hand and set me free.

Love it. Dark but compelling ending.

Overall, I think it was good. Clever idea, good word choice.
Keep writing!
ℓσνє,
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Wow! Really something worth reading, I could hear the lyrics being sung in my head, they had a real rhythm to them.

OrionRising wrote:The doctors, they give me pills,
They give me herbs,
But that only makes it worse,

I don't think 'herbs' really suits the topic your singing about.

OrionRising wrote:The exorcisms the priests perform,
How long will it take until they learn,
It’s not the devil that tears me apart,

This was kind of eerie and out of place. Your singing about a broken heart and suddenly now people think your possessed? It adds a sort of cynical twist, don't you think?

OrionRising wrote:With no arms and replacement heart,
Don’t wanna live with another's body part,
Where's the morality?
Why won't they let death set me free?

This was kind of confusing, where did the arms come from, and the line 'don't wanna live with another's body part' seemed forced because you were looking to rhyme with 'heart'.

Other than that, very lovely and I encourage you to keep writing!