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Young Writers Society


Sleepless



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103 Reviews


Gender: Female
Points: 284
Reviews: 103
Tue Dec 13, 2011 3:33 pm
TinyDancer says...



Spoiler! :
I've been writing a lot of lyrics lately, and this particular song is about someone I used to know, but people change with the seasons, and all you can do is sit and write songs about the way things used to be. This is one of those songs. It's short, but there's a lot of musical breaks between the words. Once again (much like my other song), the structure and rhythm won't make sense without the melody, so I promise it fits the music! If you're kind enough to review, just focus on the content because the rhythm is probably confusing, and I already know that it fits the music. Thank you, friends :)

~Jess

Oh and PS--as you know, I kinda suck with song titles, so if you have any ideas, let me know!


I used to love the way you said my name, you made it sound so sweet.
It used to tingle when you touched my skin, now it only stings.
Is this what riches to rags feels like?
They said we had it all, but now I'm feeling nothing

Baby, I've been up all night wondering if you ever even cared.
Maybe the stars were all aligned.
But I've watched the sky as the stars moved
Don't want to do this but I have to.
It's morning now, I don't know how
But I know I've got to say goodnight

Call me weak, call me strong.
Say I'm right, say I'm wrong.
Say anything so I can hear your voice again.
I never thought I'd see this day,
but my heart has felt the weight
And it's hard to love someone who doesnt love you back.

Baby, I've been up all night wondering if you ever even cared.
Maybe the stars were all aligned.
But I've watched the sky as the stars moved
Don't want to do this but I have to.
It's morning now, I don't know how
But I know I've got to say goodnight.

Goodnight
Sleep well without me
Don't dream about me again
`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•

“The circus arrives without warning.
No announcements precede it.
It is simply there,
When yesterday it was not.”

`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•`•.¸¸.•´´¯`••._.•
  





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Tue Dec 13, 2011 9:14 pm
SwallowedByInsanity says...



Wow. I loved this! Not many people post lyrics on here, and yours were presented beautifully. I could hear the melody in my head, which is definitely what every songwriter is looking to accomplish. It was lovely and well-said, and the last line is really an eyecatcher. Keep writing! :D
Love is a poison, but it is also the antidote.

The insanity at my fingertips is not even slightly coherent.
  





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Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:18 am
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ohhellothere says...



I really liked this. Like the other reviewer said, you could definitely hear it in your head when you read it. :)

They lyrics were nice, and they definitely got across the feelings that you were trying to show. It was really rather lovely. I liked the chorus, and I really liked the ending!

Good job, and keep writing!
“...Literature was the only religion her father practiced, when a book fell on the floor he kissed it, when he was done with a book he tried to give it away to someone who would love it."

-Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (Jonathon Safran Foer)
  





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Sat Dec 17, 2011 8:36 am
AlfredSymon says...



Hiya Tiny. *giggle*...Tiny...*giggle*

Okay, so about your endearing lyric. You astounded me because of the colorful theme you put in your work. Here's a more detailed critique:

Content: :D :D :D :?
It's short (compared to most lyrics) and lighthearted. The sort of song I would listen to. It's a brokenhearted song, right, I get that, but it speaks more from that. I also liked your creative word choice, simple, but not to common :)

Theme and Concept: :D :D :D :D
Continuing, I think your work speaks about how true love would last for a long time. You've been left, and yet the love lingers, to both of you. And now this song. The message that you want to give though is unclear. But I did like the conclusion:
Goodnight
Sleep well without me
Don't dream about me again
:)

Technicalities: :D :D :D :) :?
About my favorite part: the verses were a bit untied. I didn't exactly like the structure of the last part because it just didn't feel right. I don't know why, so just check up on it. I didn't find any flaw in terms of grammar and spelling in your piece, just mind the capitalization and the commas :)

Overall: :D :D :D :) :)
Great work. These are smooth words that can fit any type of genre of music. Just needs a bit of clearing up and it's good to go!

Your newest friend,
Al
Need some feed? Then read some! Take a look at today's Squills at In the News.

The Tatterdemalion takes a tattle!

"Stories are like yarn; just hold on to the tip and let the ball roll away"
  





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Sun Dec 18, 2011 1:10 am
LiesOnLies says...



Hiya Tiny. *giggle*...Tiny...*giggle*

Okay, so about your endearing lyric. You astounded me because of the colorful theme you put in your work. Here's a more detailed critique:

Content:
It's short (compared to most lyrics) and lighthearted. The sort of song I would listen to. It's a brokenhearted song, right, I get that, but it speaks more from that. I also liked your creative word choice, simple, but not to common

Theme and Concept:
Continuing, I think your work speaks about how true love would last for a long time. You've been left, and yet the love lingers, to both of you. And now this song. The message that you want to give though is unclear. But I did like the conclusion: Goodnight
Sleep well without me
Don't dream about me again

Technicalities:
About my favorite part: the verses were a bit untied. I didn't exactly like the structure of the last part because it just didn't feel right. I don't know why, so just check up on it. I didn't find any flaw in terms of grammar and spelling in your piece, just mind the capitalization and the commas

Overall:
Great work. These are smooth words that can fit any type of genre of music. Just needs a bit of clearing up and it's good to go!



I completely agree with the person who said what I pasted above
  








Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.
— Poe