Young Writers Society

Please Read Spoilers



Verse 1
I'm laughing at the human race, Adam's kind you know
They listen to my lies; And don't they love them so
You reached out with Your hands, they left You be
Now they turned from You to come and follow me!

The humans are pathetic, and it will cost them dear
The blackness of forever, worse than any fear
You tried to warn them with your Word
But they acted deaf and blind as if they've never heard

Chorus
I own them now, my kingdom come
Not yours but my, will be done
In heaven, earth and hell
Humanity's served me well

I own them now, my kingdom come
Not yours but my, will be done
In heaven, earth and hell
Humanity's served me well

Verse 2
It's okay to tell a white lie, I promise you it's okay
Not even God will mind at the end of the day
And killing unborn babies, isn't a sin
Don't waste your life on losing, you were born to win

You've heard it all before, Jesus died for sin
But I tell you the truth, you are God within
Don't listen to their lies, there is no God but you
And judgement day's a fact, based on nothing that's true

Chorus
I own them now, my kingdom come
Not yours but my, will be done
In heaven, earth and hell
Humanity's served me well

I own them now, my kingdom come
Not yours but my, will be done
In heaven, earth and hell
Humanity's served me well

I own them now, my kingdom come
Not yours but my, will be done
In heaven, earth and hell
Humanity's served me well

(Evil Laughter)

Saving spot.

Hi, Robster!

There's definitely a rhythm in the song, so I wouldn't worry much on that! The two songs you linked did help put this into perspective though, so danke! (Also, The Arrows one? That video was awesome.) I can tell where you were going with the song though, and the point of it was pretty clear. So yay!

I did notice that the audience seemed to fluctuate. I couldn't tell if the speaker (Satan) was speaking to God, to humans, or just in general. It seemed to bounce from one to the other, and I'd probably just stick with one audience. It'll be less confusing that way!

The humans are suckers, and it will cost them dear
The blackness of forever, worse than any fear
You tried to warn them within your word
But acted deaf and blind as if they've never heard

I thought this stanza was a bit weak. I know where it's trying to go, but it didn't hold up like the rest of the song did. For instance, the vocabulary used with "suckers" was unlike the rest of the song, which didn't have that sort of slang. The last two lines -- that sentence was mis-written I think. God tried to warn the people with his Word, but He acted deaf as if the people never heard or He never heard? Something to look at. 8D

It's okay to tell a white lie, I promise you its okay
Not even God will mind at the end of the day
And killing unborn babies, isn't a sin
Don't waste your life on losing, you were born to win

Bringing a political issue into this can do good and bad things to your song, but I'd like to think that maybe murder in general isn't a good thing? xD Maybe something a bit more relateable and less narrowing on your audience. Otherwise, I don't see the tie between that bold line and the line after it. (The first two were connected, but the last two aren't.)

That's all I've got to point out though. Overall, it sounds like a fun song to sing with a message you feel passionate for. There's a lot you can do with it, and seeing as it's a fairly short song, be sure the points you make in it are the strongest you can think of. Simple yet strong! For instance, is abortion important enough to be mentioned in such a short song when the whole general act of murder is looked down upon? The length of the song puts things into perspective, strangely enough. Your chorus is fun, though. I loved the reference to the Lord's Prayer.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

One nitpick: Adam's

This reminds me of C.S. Lewis' Scretape Letters. You know that? It's a demon's letters for his demon uncle. He's being trained. LOL And I agree, it's just creativity.

"...you were born to win."

Is it ironic that I remember Lady Gaga here? *laughs*

Ending it with an evil laughter is brilliant. LOL

This isn't a review. Sorry... I just checked it out.

I saw your post in the group, so I followed the link and checked it out and I'm super glad I did!

A couple spots I would have worded things differently:

I'm laughing at the human race, Adam's kind you know
They listen to all my lies; And don't they love them so
You reached out with Your hands, they left You be
Now they turned from You to come and follow me!

The humans are pathetic?, and it will cost them dear
The blackness of forever, worse than any fear
You tried to warn them with (with seems better than within) your Word
But they acted deaf and blind as if they've never heard

Ehh, just weird things that I found awkward. But that would mostly just be me, expecially since it's a song and I don't know the tune.

Thank yeh kindly for sharing, Robster!

Robstersterster.

My word document underlined that ^ in red and green. You should feel honored. This review won’t be too long, both because I don’t have that much to say, and because it’s fairly muscled as it is. Now, understand when I say that, I mean you chose a principle, you brought in the scriptural references to turn inside out, and you brought your point to a boil. Now, is the execution perfect? Nah, but it never will be. There are several places where the rhymes feel forced, and I think you can do better with some of the phrasing, just to make it sit better in the mind.

After all, with a song like this—a song with an agenda—you need it to stick as tightly as it can. So that goes for both lyrical power and melody. Keep that in mind as you form the music someday.

Now, for the meat.

Verse one is fairly colloquial, accessible enough to be the devil, I think. I have a real issue with your dear/fear rhyme, but that’s mostly because “worse than any fear” is a really bad cop-out line that I would snipe in any poem or song. It goes with catching the listener tightly and not letting go. Lines like that? They go with the breeze and get jumbled when they’re humming it an hour later.

Your chorus is pretty decent, as far as the principle goes. You turn everything on God and tell him where to shove it, which is quite devilish. Good job.

Verse two is not so decent. Basically, it makes me think of a children’s song: you hear a rule; you hear why to follow it; and in this case, we hear what isn’t a rule and why it isn’t. So you’ve basically taken the decent foundation of the song and devolved it into a picky children’s lesson on Satanism. Now, I will praise one line from this verse.

“Don’t listen to their lies, there is no God but you.”

That’s going to stick with me well after this piece is gone from the front pages. So you’ve done your job, you really have—it’s just done in the midst of some inclement weather.

As far as adding a third verse, smeh. It’s your call. Try it out, but make it good. As it stands, the song needs something to drive it home.

Hope this helps,

-Lumi