Young Writers Society

Whoa oh oh

With you its always
just the same sad
story.
You never look
from your book
to see me crying.

It feels
like I've been sitting here
For years and years
Waiting for you
to complete
Something
You never should have started.
You never should've opened.
You never should've met me.

Never a fairytale
Just witches
and nightmares
about falling down a well.

No dresses
or ball gowns
No faries
or crowns.

Just dark clouds.

I took a shot
to make you
look up.
It came back
when you refused
and struck me in the heart.

Whoa oh oh wow oh oh

You don't even know.
That I'm crying
but your lying
Theres more to life than
This.

Your self self sorrow.
Your pity.
Well your clouds not over me .
Anymore!!

Just the same sad story.
Well the sun
is coming out.
I burnt my book
and I started a new one.

Why do you repeat
The same story?
Till the ink fades
and you spend the day
rewriting?
Do you really love it?
More than than you
love me?

Love your pity
Love your sorrow
Don't you love me?
Now thats a sad
sad
STORY
a story
a story.

I will never have fairy tale
but out from
your dark clouds.

Hey there, Dasi! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

Overall, this is a good piece of work. Personally, I feel like the fairy-tale thing is a tad overdone; Taylor Swift sort of exhausted my interest in it. However, that's just my personal preference, and it doesn't mean that it's a bad subject, it just means that it's not my taste. That being said, you did a good job at it. I'll give you that.

Pertaining to the structure of this piece, I'm not going to go into it. I'm no master poet or lyricist, nor do I claim to be; if you want to find out if it's correct, I'd contact one of the more experienced poets or songwriters on here. What I would like to focus on in this piece is your choice of words; I'm always looking for unique ones and trying to add to my vocabulary. It's just how I am.

I took a shot
to make you
look up.
It came back
when you refused
and hit me in the heart.

This is good. I understand what you're trying to say and how your character is affected. Still, I'm not simply interested in understanding the basics of what your character is going through; I want to know more. I want to know the intricacies of what your character is going through, the unique little details that separate her experience from the thousands of other love struggle songs that are out there.

One of the best ways to make your work stand out from the crowd is to use interesting words. A thesaurus is truly a crucial tool; oftentimes, you can find vibrant words that give much more emotion than the plainer words that will tell the same story. For instance, instead of 'hit', you could've used the word 'stabbed', or 'struck'. Give me something new; think outside of the box and your work will flourish.

All in all, awesome work! Always keep writing!

-Rose

Hi, Dasia!

So your Taylor Swift avatar is probably guilty of putting this in our minds, but this certainly felt very Swift-inspired. Which is totally cool! How else do we learn? We follow our idols. So, that's totally okay! And this still had a sort of unique feel that is your own, so no worries there.

I did like the fairytale thing -- I could tell what you were trying to do with that and the book. You alluded to the story metaphor many times, and that's really well done. I love that to bits. I think that could've been done... more! For instance, it feels like the song mentions fairytales story and then it mentions the sad story, but the two are never quite tied together just right so that it makes sense. It bounces back and forth instead.

What I wooould suggest is going through and tying in the story using actual fairytale terms to better picture them as the same thing -- a metaphor is a comparison of two similar things, right? So I'd probably touch on that a bit. It also probably didn't help matters that it felt choppy, and I didn't get much rhythm out of it. Hopefully that's just because it's written out, so perhaps it sounds better when sung.

Those are the two concerns though. You've got a really awesome start though, so I'd just build on the story more and go into more depth as to why it's like a fairytale. I love stories, after all!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

edited hope its better nows

I understand what you're trying to say and how your character is affected. Still, I'm not simply interested in understanding the basics of what your character is going through; I want to know more. I want to know the intricacies of what your character is going through, the unique little details that separate her experience from the thousands of other love struggle songs that are out there.

I agree with the person who wrote the quote to which I pasted and added to my reply..lol. I didn't like the fairytale theme myself and it seemed a little too childish that someone between the ages of 7 through 12 would write. There was one part where you wrote "you never should met me" or something similar to that when in fact it should be "you never should've met me".

Also, to whom ever said that her avatar was Taylor Swift...it isn't. Her avatar is the girl from I Carly. I think her name's Jesse...I could be wrong about the name because I don't watch the show...lol.

OKAY So your only 14, its clear your just a beginner but thats okay it means you have things to work on First of all, the good bits, i thought this section was the best :

"No dresses
or ball gowns
No faries
or crowns.

Just dark clouds.

I took a shot
to make you
look up."

Just proves that sometimes simple is best
Also Taylor Swift proved with Love Story (number one for how long again?) that fairytale's can be very successful in songs so i wouldn't worry about it as a theme but you just have to be really careful because it's a naturally cliche topic its easy to write stuff that has already been said thousands of times before. I'm not to sure about the "book" in

With you its always
just the same sad
story.
You never look
from your book
to see me crying.

Also this part doesn't make sense

You never should opened.
You never should met me.

But keep writing! Trust me the only way to improvement is practice -hope i helped

I love the piece my favorite part would have to be:

Never a fairytale
Just witches
and nightmares
about falling down a well.

No dresses
or ball gowns
No faries
or crowns.

Here are some of the grammatical errors:

For years and years

For shouldn't be capitalized in the middle of a sentence, also a period at the end.

You never should have started.
You never should've opened.
You never should've met me.

All the 'should have's' should be the same.

Just witches

No capitalization on 'just.'

Theres more to life than

'Theres' needs an apostrophe.

*Half done, will complete soon*