Young Writers Society

Hey you! So yeah, these are two songs I wrote earlier this week, when I was stuck at home because I wasn't feeling well. I like what I can achieve when I'm off school! ;D Enjoy!

Home

Verse 1
Let's buy a tent
and live on a bridge.
We won't pay no rent;
we don't have to be rich
to live, to love.

Verse 2
We'll share a rag,
sit close together,
each taking a drag,
under any weather
we'll live, we'll love.

Chorus
We'll hear the waves coming from below,
letting our love and freedom flow.
Why would anyone want to be moved?
No, we got nothing to prove,
they can take every thing down
'cause I don't need a house
for your heart is my home.

Verse 3
Play your sweet song
to any tune you find,
play it all day long
getting coins from the kind
but we don't need 'em.

Verse 4
Scare off passers by
throwing stares at us
from buildings so high
or from the moving bus,
but we don't care.

Chorus x2


Bridge
As the tourists and pigeons fly
you hold my hand
and we watch the sky;
and as the river boats line the bank
only the Lord above I thank
for having you - all I need.

Chorus


End
No, we don't need a house in town
we don't need their silver coins
darling I'm not homeless
'cause your heart is my home,
and I live in the warmth of your veins.

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Twinkle

Chorus
Twinkle, twinkle handsome eyes,
have you noticed how time flies?
Only yesterday we were
the merriest birds in the world.
Twinkle, twinkle wake up now,
how I hate to see you down;
let me see the glowing sun
that in your eyes once shone.

Verse 1
Dnacing in the shade of trees
in your back garden
amongst the butterflies and bumble bees
and you pick me a snapdragon

Verse 2
Eating pizza in the backstreet alley
against the cold, brick wall
pointing, laughing at the grafitti;
your smile, for me, means all.

Chorus


Verse 3
We lay on the beach and make angels of sand
sweet kisses under the orange evening sky,
my eyes are closed but I see you and
there's that connection between you and I.

Verse 4
I feel intrepid with you beside me
but as you sleep, life slipping away,
I'm helpless, losing you slowly.
I cling to you, begging you to stay

but you're slipping
you're slipping away...

Bridge
Twinkle, twinkle handsome eyes,
up above in the skies
I hope you can see me
I pray you can hear me
time has flown past us
like the merry birds we used to be.

Chorus x2


End
The sun in your eyes has set
and your soul has risen
the light of my world has been turned out
but the love in my heart shines on.

This song is good and is about an important matter. It flows and sounds amazing (I sang it out loud to get the feel for it). It sounds like a tune that you sing in assembly or choir but hey there is nothing wrong with that! I think it deserves 9.99/10. It would be 10 but other people (like younger kids) might find it a bit confusing! Well Done, you're a songwriter in the making!

It's honestly a nice song. But the only problem is, you're trying to hard to give it a rythem. Other than that, it's awesome.
Best of luck,
Quest.

MIKSTER. 8D

Home

This was adorable. XD So cute. I really love the message behind it.

darling I'm not homeless
'cause your heart is my home,

This is, like. the song in a nutshell. I love it so. hard.

Chorus
We'll hear the waves coming from below,
letting our love and freedom flow.
Why would anyone want to be moved?
No, we got nothing to prove,
they can take every thing down
'cause I don't need a house
for your heart is my home.

So I really love your chorus. I really do. In fact, I just love this song. My critique is basically one of those nitpickiest nitpick reviews ever. XD So yeah. The bold couplet here had some awkward rhythm. I had originally read it as "Why would anyone want to move? We've got nothing to prove." It kinda went alright in my head, but you know better what goes with the music. It's something I'd look at though.

And the single bold line is really lovely -- a very nice tie to the conclusion and title both.

Verses-wise, I just love how it's all set up. We start with setting the homeless scene then move on to the imagery of that someone's heart. So awesome. Structure-wise, I don't know if this was intentional, but I found it kinda cool. xD The first two verses end in "to live, to love/ we'll live, we'll love," and I wonder if that same idea could be replicated in verses three and four. It doesn't have to, but it might be fun to work in. omnom parallelism!

Otherwise, lovely song! <3

Twinkle

D'aww. D: That's all to say, really. It's so sweet. It started off so cute and I was all giddy, and then... I was sad. XD Well played, my friend. well played!

So I think the weirdest part is the chorus.

Chorus
Twinkle, twinkle handsome eyes,
have you noticed how time flies?
Only yesterday we were
the merriest birds in the world.
Twinkle, twinkle wake up now,
how I hate to see you down;
let me see the glowing sun
that in your eyes once shone.

Both couplets didn't rhythmically agree in my brain, considering it's an 8-line stanza. I'm assuming, though, that it's not actually an 8-line stanza but a 6-line stanza, and so the couplets should really be one line. In which case, I wouldn't complain about it. XD It was just awkward reading, so very minor. Though the word "merriest" is kinda weird. Does it sound alright when sung? And the rhyme of sun/shone doesn't really work for me. D:

End
The sun in your eyes has set
and your soul has risen
the light of my world has been turned out
but the love in my heart shines on.

I loved this entire stanza, though the last line, I have a suggestion! Is it possible to refer to the twinkling eyes instead? The song doesn't go into love in the speaker's heart (except in the previous song XD), so I wonder if it's possible to refer to the twinkling eyes or some such again. It might be fun!

You're such a good lyricist. <3 I have no other complaints. Only silly nitpicks that could be disregarded. xD You're very good though, and I enjoyed this! Great job!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!