Invade My Heart

Gender:

Points: 5081
Reviews: 270

Sat Sep 24, 2011 8:25 pm

Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. This needs work.
------------
Can you love me
The way I want to be loved?
Can you touch me
The way I want to be touched?
Can you move me
The way I want to be moved?
Can you prove to me
That your love is really true?

I'm sorry,
I just don't trust you yet
I don't want to be treated like
Someone's pet
Still, I'm searching near
And I'm searching far
For someone to bug me--
Gently invade my heart.

Can you understand
The turmoil of my mind?
Can you keep up
Yet, know when to stay behind?
Can you come near me softly,
With a lover's passion?
Can you deal with my dark side?
I'm scared of your reaction.

And I'm sorry,
I just don't trust you yet.
I'm scared of bein' treated like
Someone else's pet
Still, I'm searching near
And I'm searching far
For someone to bug me--
The invade my heart.

"Ok, Lolpup. You can be a girl worth fighting for."
--Pengu

Gender:

Points: 6748
Reviews: 100

Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:06 am

Idraax says...

I like it. Just watch out for typo's. I think there might be one on the very last line. I'm glad you remembered to have proper punctuation in your poem, many people forget. But, another thing to keep in mind is to treat the sentences as complete. Putting something on a different line, does not mean that it is a different sentence. Only the first letter of a sentence should be capitalized when writing the poem in English. XD Great poem Pup!

Check these out please!

Alezrani
Will review for food thread

Gender:

Points: 938
Reviews: 88

Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:13 am

Doxie00 says...

Wow. I really liked his piece.
The way you express your feelings, the way its written.

Ah yes and also the repition. keep it up!

Gender:

Points: 291
Reviews: 18

Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:47 am

OrionRising says...

fireheartedkaratepup wrote:Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. This needs work.
------------
Can you love me
The way I want to be loved?
Can you touch me
The way I want to be touched? These first four lines are extremely cliche. It is always love and touching. It is always those two words.
Can you move me
The way I want to be moved? I don't quite understand what you mean by move. It could be move as in: "Move around" or it could be move as in "That speech moved me." It seems to me right now that it is both and maybe it is meant to be that way, I don't know. And now I am just ranting on so I will stop.
Can you prove to me
That your love is really true?

Overall I didn't really like that last stanza, it was way to predictable and cliche. The rhythm flows fine but the thoughts seem forced. I think it might be useful if you were to more descriptive and less broad words abd maybe stopped repeating yourself over and over again.

I'm sorry,
I just don't trust you yet
I don't want to be treated like
Someone's pet My ears started screaming here. This is way, way to forced and way, way cliche. Please, please, please rephrase this and try to be original. You don't have to rhyme. The way it is written right now makes it feel like the words are forced which, especially in a song about love, you don't want them to be.
Still, I'm searching near
And I'm searching far Again, a bit to predictable and cliche.
For someone to bug me--
Gently invade my heart.

Can you understand
The turmoil of my mind?
Can you keep up
Yet, know when to stay behind? Here is another "Forced Rhyme," I will have a section mentioning these at the end of the critique.
Can you come near me softly,
With a lover's passion?
Can you deal with my dark side?
I'm scared of your reaction. Yet another forced rhyme.

And I'm sorry,
I just don't trust you yet.
I'm scared of bein' treated like
Someone else's pet
Still, I'm searching near
And I'm searching far
For someone to bug me--
The invade my heart.

Well there are a few things that I would like to mention now that I am done with my (horrible) line by line. First off all I would like to say that I did not really enjoy this. I don't feel that it was original or poetic. It could definitely use some work. Secondly this song is EXTREMELY short and probably wouldn't last more than a minute when sung. Most songs have between 4-6 verses (ranging from between 4-16 lines each) and at least 3 repeats of the chorus. So your song having only a total of 2 repeats of the chorus and two verses would be exceptionally short. I would suggest adding another chorus or two and another verse or two.

And third of all:

A short smidget on Forced Rhyming

What is forced rhyming?
Forced rhyming is the constant need to rhyme within a song.

Why is forced rhyming bad?
Forced rhyming is bad because the song writer often puts more effort into rhyming words then they put into having the song flow smoothly while expressing a theme.

How to avoid forced rhyming:
Avoiding forced rhyming is actually extremely easy to do. It is all about habit. One of the things I used to do when I was writing with lots of forced rhymes was instead of write a song I would write a story. Then, from that story I would take what I liked and shape it into lyrics. Obviously the lyrics wouldn't be very good but it helped me. Hopefully it will help you too.

Anyways, good luck and keep writing!

Gender:

Points: 3682
Reviews: 66

Sun Sep 25, 2011 4:50 pm

CelticaNoir says...

Hey pup! Well, this is my first time properly reviewing a lyrical piece, so I might not be spot on about all my observations. But let's get down to what I think of it, eh?

You're right--this needs a lot of work. The lyrics aren't very original and didn't surprise me in that "oh my gosh, what an awesome line" sort of way, neither did they move me in the "so sweet and adorable" sort of way. In poems and lyrics, especially when they're in the romance genre--which is sadly overused as a cliche by many writers--you need to have something that freshens up the reader/listener. I don't wanna hear the same thing from this song as I hear from that song too--which is probably why I don't listen to modern American pop. But moving on...

I thought your rhythm tripped up sometimes--especially this one made me go a little no, that doesn't fit the rhythm at all:

I don't want to be treated like
Someone's pet

I thought maybe you could put another word in the line "someone's pet", so it evens down nicely. Of course, I might just be pointing out something you missed; in the last stanza, you have it as "someone else's pet".

I don't think I have anything else to say, so I'm ending it here. Hope I helped!

I am the workingman, the inventor, the maker of the world's food and clothes.
I am the audience that witnesses history. - Carl Sandburg, I am the People, the Mob

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