Young Writers Society

First! I like using slang--in songs, I write the way I speak.
Second! I know there are cliches here. Ok? Ok.
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My body's movin'
To the rhythm of my soul
The beat starts in me
My limbs, they lose control
And I can't help it
I just start dancin'
Isn't it beautiful?
This freedom of expression

-Chorus-
And I fly
Over rooftops, through the trees
Suddenly soaring
With the greatest of ease
I don't need a jet plane
Or a fancy magic ring
The music can take me
Anywhere I wanna be!

Yeah, can't you hear
The music that's in everything?
And can't you feel
That we're supposed to dance to it?
I can't believe
This wonder is a bad thing
Come now, discover
The joy of the dance!

-Chorus-
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It needs moar words. D: But I can't find them.

Heya Pup.

You interested me because of the subject matter. Considering I'm a dancer, I was interested to see what you'd come up. Although I have never reviewed lyrics before, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I find you're lacking a heart to the lyrics. What I mostly think it is are your sometimes awkward phrasings, like here:

My limbs, they lose control

and here:

Come now, discover
The joy of the dance!

It's mostly the first line and the forced rhyming of the first stanza that got to me. It was only one or two lines, not repeated in the chorus, so it gives a jerkier feel. The rhymes I'm talking about are soul/control and dancin/expression, the latter feeling like they should rhyme but don't exactly. It's off putting.

You also seem to start telling a story with the lyrics, about how not everybody understands dance like the dancer does. I'd expand on this, so the listener doesn't feel shortchanged about something that's such a great divide between dancers and non dancers. I'd keep going in that direction so the song gets to have some sort of conclusion to it, something relatable for a dancer to really sink their teeth into.

As for the actual rhythm... I'm not feeling it. Especially in the second verse (after the chorus). There's no real flow to the lines from one to the other, and it feels more like a spoken, freestyle poem than musical lyrics. Really imagine the music that would do with this and try to have it fit with some sort of beat. The flow seems wrapped up in couplets without much indication of how they should be sung, which really makes them fall flat on the page. I feel good lyrics should just be structured in such a way that you get some indication of the flow of them. That wasn't here.

Hope this was in some way helpful. PM me if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey

PUP. Pup. OKAY. You Saucy Bunny, you. ;D

Well, if this has done nothing else, it’s given me a techno beat in my head that I may turn into something later. The lyrics in general just remind me of a very ambitious Richard Simmons workout routine, which puts this somewhere between Cyndi Lauper and The Police. Anyway, it’s cheesy in that guilty pleasure song kind of way, which isn’t bad by any means—it’s just nothing that’ll make it onto my wedding playlist or anything fancy. Maybe a club in Albany. That’d be cool.

The second half of the chorus made me think of the Lizzie McGuire movie, when she’s singing that song about dreams in front of, like, all of Rome, and there are techno lights going everywhere. It’s just got that kind of WE CAN DO IT IF WE BELIEVE, GUYS vibe to it that’s either good or bad, depending on how you see the world. But like I said, guilty pleasure song. The one shining moment in this song is in the second verse when you say “I can’t believe this wonder is a bad thing.” That made me smile like mad. And I’ll probably quote that somewhere, if you don’t mind.

I do wish you’d wipe up some of your clichés here and there. It’s just a little bit irritating, knowing how you can write. But like you said, you’re aware of them, so there’s no reason for me to get preachy.

A fancy magic ring? Made me think of The Lord of The Rings. So in the middle of this hyperactive, ADD, techno-and-exercise chorus, you have a flash attack from Mordor that doesn’t need to be there.

Anyway, that’s all.

Lemme know if you have questions or comments, SaucyPup.

-Lumi

FIREHEARTEDKARATEPUUUUUP! <3

So! I thought this was an awesome start. I don't think you have much to worry on grammar anyway. The punctuation is what throws it off more than anything, and that's usually ignored since people tend to listen to lyrics. xD So you're good in that boat, and the topic is a bit used. However, I think where you were going with it was awesome.

I most enjoyed your chorus. I thought the rhythm was excellent, and it was very pretty. You used some awesome metaphors and imagery that was just fun to read!

Now the verses I wasn't so keen on. The rhythm was definitely there, though I felt rhymes could have made this so much more catchy lykwoah. Actually, I'll admit that I loved your first verse. I like how you opened your song, and using the limb metaphor was an excellent start. The second verse you could probably do away with, but I'm not sure if you have a purpose with this song that I'm not getting quite yet. I know it's unfinished (or at least I assume it is), so I could be missing something yet. I'll try to pick it apart here:

Yeah, can't you hear
The music that's in everything?
And can't you feel
That we're supposed to dance to it?
I can't believe
This wonder is a bad thing
Come now, discover
The joy of the dance!

So you mentioned you needed more words since you can't find anything more to say. That's probably a big red alert that your song doesn't quite have a point yet. It's about the joys of dancing, and heck, dancing is a joyous occasion! 8D So there are a few ways you can go about that. Every song has a structure to it, you just gotta dig. The way this second verse went seemed forced, like you really were running out of things to say. I'd probably scrap it if we can inspire you with a direction to take.

1. You can do a story route, describing a moment of dance the speaker is in and how they feel when they did this move or that expression, how their body moves, etc.

2. You can use dance as a metaphor for a deeper message. There are all sorts of different references to dancing you can make when using it to explain any sort of topic. And by the second verse, things should start to make clear what the point is.

3. I'm not much of a fan of talking to the listeners as a general audience? If that makes sense. For instance, in the second verse you have now. "Can't you hear it?! It's so amazing! I can't believe it!" It gets a bit too much... too bloggy? Not enough meat to what the speaker's trying to say. You're taking up a couple minutes of the listener's time, so try to give a little more purpose to what the song's trying to say!

I hooope that all made sense. I tend to ramble. When I try to not ramble, I don't ramble enough. Kinda like now. Way too much rambling. However, I do think what you have is awesome so far, and you'll know for a fact that I approve of how happy the piece is. So keep working on it, and hopefully you'll finish it soon!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!