Young Writers Society

I'm so tired of the nightmares
and chasing the light.
It's time to make some changes,
time to set things right.
Another year gone by,
and I'm still dragging my feet,
but it's best I pick myself up
'cause there's alot more to be seen.

So, take away the pain
and lift up the weight.
Learn to smile again
because it's never too late.
I'll never forget,
and I don't know how,
but I will find my way.
I'm determined now.

I'm gonna lift up my head,
and I'll raise my voice.
I'll do whatever I want,
because I have a choice.
If you've got dreams held inside
that you want to come true,
just try and you'll succeed.
I believe in you.

So, take away the pain
and lift up the weight.
Learn to smile again
because it's never too late.
I'll never forget,
and I don't know how,
but I will find my way.
I'm determined now.

I'm through with the pain,
there's no more hate.
I smiled today,
I guess it's never too late.
We all have our dreams,
there's things we all want to be,
and I will find them all
'cause I'm determined, you see.

Omgosh this was soooo beautiful and inspiring!!! I just love it!! I can't find anything, anything at all I would want to change or say seems off because I can't find any But I love this so much haha. I hope you get many helpful reviews because I'm honestly blown away by this haha. It brightens my day Vous!! Was in a really cruddy mood and now I just wanna go out and sing or something so silly XD. Well *likes poem* Hope you do well and hope to read more works from you in time ^^.
Soulkana<3

so cool! I agree, this is very inspiring.

I'm so tired of the nightmares
and chasing the light.
It's time to make some changes,
time to set things right.
Another year has come and gone,
with the same old same.
I think I'll spice up my life
so it isn't so plain.

So, take away the pain
and lift up the weight.
Learn to smile again
because it's never too late.
I'll never forget,
and I don't know how,
but I will find my way.
I'm determined now.

I'm gonna lift up my head,
and I'll raise my voice.
I'll do whatever I want,
because I have a choice.
If you've got dreams held inside
that you want to come true,
just try and you'll succeed.
I believe in you.

So, take away the pain
and lift up the weight.
Learn to smile again
because it's never too late.
I'll never forget,
and I don't know how,
but I will find my way.
I'm determined now.

I'm through with the pain,
there's no more hate.
I smiled today,
I guess it's never too late.
I'll never forget,
and I don't know how,
but I will find my way.
I'm so determined now.

The stanza highlighted in orange stuck out at me as really strong. Have you tried making this the final stanza of the poem? Is this a villanelle? You don't need to follow form if it makes the poem stronger.

I do like

I smiled today,
I guess it's never too late.
I'll never forget,
and I don't know how,
but I will find my way.

a lot, but I think the orange highlighted stanza has so much more punch, and the current end stanza is a softer end, which may be what you're going for--but I would swap the two stanzas. For some reason I always want my poems or lyrics to end with some sort of cymbal clashing drama. Anyway, great work on grammar, structure, and rhythm!

Well, as far as poetry goes this reminds me of one of those things that a teacher might have up on the wall of their room, it is pretty good and expresses a strong belief. However, I feel that it lacks imagery and in some parts is bland and could use a bit of "spicing" up. Also, looking at it from a lyrical point of view I feel it has potential but is a bit concrete and not quite fluid enough. Let's get started:

VousEsEtonnant wrote:I'm so tired of the nightmares
and chasing the light. Well, if you ask me, this seems like a forced rhyme. What do you mean by "chasing the light?"
It's time to make some changes,
time to set things right. Okay this is pretty straightforward, maybe a little too straightforward. If you ask me, and this is simply my opinion, it is bland. The words seem desolate and empty, as if they are simply being mumbled. What I am trying to say is as far as singing it goes I think it would be hard. I don't know how you imagine this being sung but if you could tell me simply a genre of music which you imagined it to I could help a little bit more, message me with that. Anyways, onward!
Another year has come and gone,
with the same old same. Okay what I don't like here is: "same old same." It is so non-descriptive. What is the same?
I think I'll spice up my life
so it isn't so plain.

So, take away the pain
and lift up the weight.
Learn to smile again
because it's never too late. Okay well I can actually feel this part being sung. It flows a bit better than everywhere else.
I'll never forget, What won't you forget? This is unclear.
and I don't know how,
but I will find my way.
I'm determined now.

Okay so I'm going to stop you right here to say that I think that the rhyming is taking away from your song. Your words are all incredibly simple almost all with only one or two syllables and I think that they simply do not flow as lyrics. I think your writing could be better if your lyrics DID NOT rhyme. I really want to stress this point because I think it is important. Lyrics do not have to rhyme. Hell, poetry doesn't even have to rhyme. Actually, let me go one step further, it is my personal opinion that lyrics should not continuously rhyme. They should not follow a rhyming pattern because really all that is doing is taking away the variety of words that you can include in your song. Songs are best, and I think most people will agree with me on this, when they express emotion rather than contain rhymes. I am not saying that you can't have both in one song, you actually do a pretty good job with the emotion in this song, but overall your rhymes are getting in the way of your meaning. Let it fall loose a bit. Give the words some slack and let them flow. They should not be held together by the tight bonds of the rhymes.

Anyways, I think this has good potential and with work could definitely improve to become more songlike and expressive. Keep writing. And, don't forget message me with what genre you imagine this being sung in. I will critique a bit more after you message me that!

I'm gonna lift up my head,
and I'll raise my voice.
I'll do whatever I want,
because I have a choice.
If you've got dreams held inside
that you want to come true,
just try and you'll succeed.
I believe in you.

So, take away the pain
and lift up the weight.
Learn to smile again
because it's never too late.
I'll never forget,
and I don't know how,
but I will find my way.
I'm determined now.

I'm through with the pain,
there's no more hate.
I smiled today,
I guess it's never too late.
I'll never forget,
and I don't know how,
but I will find my way.
I'm so determined now.

Hey, Vous!

So I loved how freaking optimistic this was. If you know me, you know I like happy things, and this is totes listed under my happy list lykwoah. I approve of the message. 8D It's also very simple, which in some parts I wasn't sure about (I'll go over them here), but overall, I think it did your piece justice. It's all just simple, repetitive, and easy. Happy! It worked!

Another year has come and gone,
with the same old same.
I think I'll spice up my life
so it isn't so plain.

This part sounded forced to me. The second line didn't quite make sense (Isn't it "same old, same old"?), and then the last two lines didn't quite match the rest of the song. It felt like it was leading into how to change your life, but the song is actually about just doing it because it's best. It didn't quite flow right with the piece.

I'll never forget,
and I don't know how,
but I will find my way.
I'm determined now.

This feels like a cop-out section. xD I know when I write/wrote lyrics, my default lines were always the derivatives of "I don't know how" and "I love you so." And here, you took the "I don't know how" line and built the rest off of that. XD If it could be a little more... hm. Have a little more importance in the song? To the song's message. Rather than sounding like filler. If that makes sense at all. xD

If you've got dreams held inside
that you want to come true,
just try and you'll succeed.
I believe in you.

I actually like this bit! The first line felt a bit rambly rhythmically, but overall, I loffed it. "I believe in you" is a motto/catch-phrase I use in real life all the time. xD So it kinda made me smile lots.

I'm through with the pain,
there's no more hate.
I smiled today,
I guess it's never too late.
I'll never forget,
and I don't know how,
but I will find my way.
I'm so determined now.

This verse is getting there! Just not quite yet. It feels too much like the other verse for it to be as effective as I think it could be. At least... I think that's it. xD The rhythm also doesn't match with the other verse, so I wasn't feeling it much. Try editing it a bit to fit better with the piece and make it a touch more unique from the other. Just a *touch* though.

Otherwise, I like where this is going! A few tweaks, and it could work out very well!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!