Young Writers Society

Do you live in a home
That's just not your own?
Have a lot of friends
But still stand all alone.
Do you try to close your eyes
But stay up all night?
Look in the mirror
Always wishing to die?

Well if you feel how I feel
You feel all of the pain.
Let's look at the stars
And try to wish it away.

It's futile and you know it,
I know it, but we don't give a shit.

Did that a razor in your hand
Make those scars on your wrist?
Have your parents found out
And totally flipped?
Did they call you mental,
Call you insane?
Don't they know of
The game we all play?

Well if you know what I know.
You know all about pain.
Let's look at the stars
And try to wish it away.

We've tried to care.
But life just isn't that fair.

This song is for everyone
Who has cried themself to sleep.
Who got made fun of
To where they couldn't eat.
For the last partner
No one wanted to be stuck with.
Who knows the word "alone"
Is the only word that fits.

This is SHIT!
Life's a BITCH!
Why even TRY!
We'll all just DIE

(inside a little longer).

Let's make a WISH.
To end the HYPOCRITES.
To end the TEARS
We've put up for YEARS!

Well if you feel like I feel
You know the pain.
Let's look at the stars

AND WISH IT AWAY!!!!

Hey-

Wow. W.O.W.That's all I have to say. Just...wow. I don't even know if there's anything to correct here. Its...amazing. I could really relate to it. Told my whole life story. What I want to know is, did you come up with this randomly, or base it on a true story? Either way it's breath taking. Deep, emotional and just plain brilliant. It tells all the pain people can feel through life and all the actions one takes when the pressure is too much. This is great work and I really enjoyed this. Got a follow and like from me for sure! Great read...great read..

One thing:

paperbackheart wrote:Do you live in a home
That's just not your own?

This doensnt really fit. Most people live in a home that's not they're own. If you're trying to fit in a metaphor, I think you should re-word it some way. This didn't seem to fit as well as all the other things. Don't get me wrong, it did fit, but made you should think about it a little more. But this is just an opinion...opinions, opinions. None matter but your own.

So overall, great job!
Will look for more form you willingly!
-Brie

Good morning, paperback!

So, this’ll be quick and hopefully painless! Let me start off by saying that most of the material in this song, I’ve seen before. In fact, every scenario you go through in the lyrics have been done a hundred times; they’re cliché, but clichés work; that’s why they’re clichés. I’ll suggest off the bat adding in fresh scenarios and images and phrases, but if this works for you, I guess the most I can say is that it’s not very high quality. Now, in poetry, clichés are unforgivable; however, I believe that, in lyrics, you can somewhat get away with it because of the musical layer, and all the components that get tossed in. Since there are some shouts in the end, I’m going to guess that this is dark rock, so I kept that in mind while reading through.

I want you to watch your rhythm in lots of places throughout the piece; pay careful attention to that as it’s particularly heavy with music. Each beat needs to feel natural, or else the listener won’t enjoy it.

There are places here and there that you lose me a bit—

Did they call you mental,
Call you insane?
Don’t they know of
The game we all play?

What game? This came out of the blue! I don’t like things coming out of the blue unless they’re raindrops or snowflakes!

And that sort of thing continues down until you hit what I imagine is the bridge—now, again, I can’t fully judge because I can’t hear the music. But as it stands, I’m not quite impressed by these rhymes or emphatic places. But if it works for you, maybe it’s worth something.

I hope this all helps. Let me know if you have questions or comments.

-Lumi

Hey I really liked it! It had passion, and you pulled of that passion with some genuine rhyming and quality so well done!!
The only part i'm not sure is this part

To where they couldn't eat

. I get what your trying to say but i think this particular line doesn't entirely fit with all the others.. It just seems a little random. Anyway, considering there's only one line i'm unsure of you've obviously done a good job- keep up the great work! And i would slightly disagree with the last reader because i think that this song is unique in it's amount of passion- but yeah i guess all songs are pretty much about the same things, which is what makes them easier to relate to. Well done! I hope that things get better for you and that your writing helps to heal the pain -Rachel

Re: To everyone like me.

New postby Bhayden71297 on Wed Aug 31, 2011 6:50 am
Hey-

Wow. W.O.W.That's all I have to say. Just...wow. I don't even know if there's anything to correct here. Its...amazing. I could really relate to it. Told my whole life story. What I want to know is, did you come up with this randomly, or base it on a true story? Either way it's breath taking. Deep, emotional and just plain brilliant. It tells all the pain people can feel through life and all the actions one takes when the pressure is too much. This is great work and I really enjoyed this. Got a follow and like from me for sure! Great read...great read..
I agreee