Young Writers Society

Your eyes today
Are beautifully displayed
Your smile's so sweet
Making this day feel complete
In all chaos
There's a spot we don't feel lost
Though it is small
We break our way through its walls

The way that I've felt
These feelings I feel
I described it as love (I described)
The way I held you
Those feelings of warmth
I described it as love (I described)
But what do I know?
What do I know?

Your heart's swollen
And separation's growing
My kiss goes stale
As this pain fights to prevail
Your smile's past due
Soon I will be leaving you
What have we learned
Besides getting ourselves burned?

The way that I've felt
These feelings I feel
I described it as love (I described)
The way I held you
Those feelings of warmth
I described it as love (I described)
But what do I know?
What do I know?

The zombie effect
Forcing our movements
I say our love's dissolved (I'll miss you)
A heartfelt defect
Slowing down our pulse
I know our love's dissolved (I'll miss you)
But what can I do?
What can we do?

All in all
We had to fall
All in all
This had to fall (Did it really need to?)

All in all
We had to fall
All in all
This had to fall (Did it really have to?)

This is a song isn't it? Well it's good! I thought it was gonna be some poem about death :/ I really like the rhyme scheme! great job!

Keep Writing!

~~Destiny110

Hi there!

This is a really good song. I like it. The rhyme scheme is really good. It flowed well and I didn't see any place where that flow faltered.

All in all
We had to fall
All in all
This had to fall (Did it really need to?)

All in all
We had to fall
All in all
This had to fall (Did it really have to?)

This is my favorite part! I just really like the repetition.

Overall this is great. Keep writing!

Your smile's so sweet
Making this day feel complete

This is good, but try not to fall into the trap of choosing words simply because they rhyme.
I bring this up because I do it ALL THE TIME. (I just don't post as many of those poems. )

The way that I've felt
These feelings I feel
I described it as love (I described)
The way I held you
Those feelings of warmth
I described it as love (I described)
But what do I know?
What do I know?

As someone once said to me: Where'd the rhyme go? (They stopped there, but I'm going to continue. :p) The rest of the poem is very.... rhyme-y.... so to throw this smack dab in the middle of it just seems odd. Stick with one pattern throughout the whole thing.

Your heart's swollen
And separation's growing

Again, this doesn't rhyme. They're good rhymes, but since the rest of the poem rhymes, they seem out of place.

I like the rest of the poem better than the first part. You rhyme, but in a way that's different from the first two stanzas. I think the structure is better.

On the whole, this was an interesting piece. Thank you very much for posting it.

Hello once again!

You always post such interesting pieces. You've got a huge variety of genres in your lyrics, and I think that's extremely awesome. This one in particular was very cool! It was much more original from the typical missing-you songs of today. The Zombie Effect? Clever!

There were parts where you referred to chaos, stale, swollenness, etc. that foreshadowed the zombie effect thing a bit. This is extremely awesome, and I think I'd rather see more of that than this bit here:

The zombie effect
Forcing our movements

When I read this bit, I felt like I had no more purpose in listening to this song. xD It's like the smart kid in class answering a math question before I had a chance to figure it out.

But what can I do?
What can we do?

I'm not sure why, but I really like how you ended each chorus with this (plus a stanza, I think?). It didn't seem to fit at first when I read this? But now it seems to fit extremely well, and so I give you props. Maybe it's the whole not-being-able-to-think like zombies and such. xD I've absolutely no idea, but it worked so well.

So, um. Yeah, not much criticism to make. I'd just like to see more references to zombies rather than plainly calling it a zombie effect. It just seems too obvious for comfort, I guess. Overall though, I very much liked this.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Wow extremely GREAT!! I liked it a lot!! The title caught my eye and I LOVED IT!! Good job!! Keep up the great work!! I'll be following you because I love good lyrics like this

Keep writing,
Narnialover4ever1