Young Writers Society

(Verse 1)

The sun shines so bright with light soothing homes
Our lungs bind the air as we smile through telephones
Ladies speak in mellow tones, below faces of chrome
Comedians breathing jokes within hollow yellow heated domes
Enshrouded by zones, of kids bathing in foam,
Only happiness is known, evil never unfolds
Though behold I bring to you the famine ore the border
The bulimic’s screaming leaning in for food and drops of water
For above the clouds darkness enshrouds,
A tower made of bound hounds and ruined ruler’s crowns
On top of that, stands the evil one
Gazing on the grazing fading phasing peoples feeble sons
Holding choking the handles of blazing heated evil guns
Tears of pain escape the lame as they begin to sleep
Dreams of rain irate the flames as they begin to weep
He laughs at shaking breaking trees on streets when thunder speaks
Gripping daggers dripping with blood and melting sorrow
He stabs and drags the bagged corpses of our helpless tomorrows
Into realms where countless demons lurk and smirk at what we borrow
For who can borrow time, or dream to warp it
The path treaded by Jesus pained, but it’s time we walk it
The world’s diversity profusely gets colder and older
It’s time we heed the signs and put the cross on our shoulders
Though we the humble stumble stagger and fall
Those in comfort zones crumble fracture in rapture and crawl
The dispatcher of actors laughs as with time they brawl
Storming through the yawning mouths of clubs at the devil’s call
Redemption stands tall, over-looking the Earth
But first reverse the curse dispersed into your birth
Revert the hurt to blurt out the thirst and share a common purse
With us end time Christians, who bend rhymes and glisten
Stitch glitches in tongues to listen, to the beating pistons
In the bleeding distance of the apocalyptic resistance
Persistence, may yet be the only hope for our existence

(Chorus)
Learn to love purpose, my love for purpose reflects in the depths of my verses
Call it purpose in cursive, and not purpose in serpents
For purpose rips through comfort zones and curtains. . .

Learn to love purpose, my love for purpose reflects in my depths of my verses
Call it purpose in cursive, and not purpose in serpents
For purpose rips through comfort zones and curtains. . .
(Verse 2)
So let’s burst above the above the blur that darkens our ways
And slay the treacherous hands of he who darkens our days
No longer be dismayed by leather and T.V
But rather be swiftly contagious like feathers and T.B
Whether it’s easy, or harder that the hearts of pastel Medes
Intertwined with the seizing wheezing seeds of fang filled demons,
Believe me; I see thee, for darkness quivers and shivers before light
Dribbles like nervous circus spawned soccer players at night
And takes flight, at the sight of revealed kneeled might
Never concealed, for the Spirit marches around
Any man who claps his hands in faith sending shivers through the ground
Up high the evil one gazes down at the cracks
Frowns at the lack, of hope for his fellow fiends
Black feathers fly as evil dies like the gloom in mellow dreams
The earth trembles on levels deep beneath the devil’s feet
Assembles creeks, of rotten begotten fruit trees for imps to eat. . .

Hi there!

The path treaded by Jesus pained, but it’s time we walk it

This is my favorite line. It's so true and I completely agree with it.

Overall this is a good song. It rhymes very well and flows well too. The main idea of this is a good one and it definitely has a positive message. One thing I do what to mention though is the fact that your first verse is so long. I know you had a lot to say, but maybe you could split that up into two verses and then make the second verse the bridge? Just a suggestion.

Keep writing!

You've used excellent vocabulary. I like the way you've used so many rhyming words. It's fascinating indeed.

Noelle wrote:Learn to love purpose, my love for purpose reflects in the depths of my verses
Call it purpose in cursive, and not purpose in serpents
For purpose rips through comfort zones and curtains. . .

This is my favorite part. Well thought.

Abyss wrote:Believe me; I see thee, for darkness quivers and shivers before light

Very true.
Keep writing

Hey

Wow. This looks like it was very carefully thought out and must have taken a long time to write- i wouldn't know because i've never written rap but well done! The great thing about it is that it has both brilliant rhyming and passion behind it. I particularly liked all of these lines, let's start with the verses.

Dreams of rain irate the flames as they begin to weep

- I like this one because of the way it because its really contrasting and contradictory with the flame/rain.

Our lungs bind the air as we smile through telephones

-- I like the quirky and slightly ...... (i can't remember the word but it means darkly humorous if you know what the word is tell me because it's bugging me haha). Anyway it also rings true- (note the pun I thought it was funny).

The bulimic’s screaming leaning in for food and drops of water

- Once again its the contrast and contradiction that works here.

For who can borrow time, or dream to warp it
The path treaded by Jesus pained, but it’s time we walk it

- I'm not religious by the way but still like it! And the notion of the immutability of time is one that greatly interests me so I think that lines great.

Those in comfort zones crumble fracture in rapture and crawl

- So much rhyming it just sounds cool! And being a victim of my own comfort zone i also can relate to this line.

But first reverse the curse dispersed into your birth
Revert the hurt to blurt out the thirst and share a common purse

- Once again the rhyming is just skilled and kind of awesome.

Persistence, may yet be the only hope for our existence

- Love the meaning.

Black feathers fly as evil dies like the gloom in mellow dreams
The earth trembles on levels deep beneath the devil’s feet

- I just like the images that these two lines create, creating images is one of the greatest things in song-writing. So Well Done for all the good bits! My only complaint would be that some parts I found hard to relate to or to get the meaning behind them. Some line's stood alone and didn't really flow into a comprehensible meaning that the rest of the song had. In fact to be honest I found a lot of the lines a little hard to grasp the meaning, but keep in mind I'm not a regular listener of this genre. An example of this is your first line:

The sun shines so bright with light soothing homes

. I just don't really understand what it's supposed to mean- although it does sound good.

As for your chorus, I think its great! It really gets across the meaning which is what a chorus is supposed to do so well done! I particularly liked

For purpose rips through comfort zones and curtains. . .

I just think the meaning behind it and its expression (with the metaphors) is brilliant! The only complaint i would have is the part

and not purpose in serpents

. I just find it really hard to connect with and understand, it seems like you just chucked it in there- but then again I might be just missing the hidden meaning.

I hope all that waffle helped I tend to confuse people sometimes so if you've got any questions feel free to PM. You had some really brilliant parts and you've got passion so keep practising and keep writing! - Rachel.

Hi, Abyss!

I absolutely loved this. Your style is fantastic. All the imagery, the Christian references -- I read this, and I just liked it more and more. You've got incredible talent, and you can bet you'll be getting a like from me.

Comedians breathing jokes within hollow yellow heated domes

The never-ending adjectives seemed to drag this line down. My brain deleted the "yellow" in here, probably for the cool alliteration. That's just the nitpickiest of nitpicks though and can be ignored.

He laughs at shaking breaking trees on streets when thunder speaks
Gripping daggers dripping with blood and melting sorrow
He stabs and drags the bagged corpses of our helpless tomorrows
Into realms where countless demons lurk and smirk at what we borrow

The rhyming here was weird and not like the rest of your song. I don't know how the music goes, so maybe it fits with what you have, but reading-wise, it didn't go as smoothly. D:

So let’s burst above the above the blur that darkens our ways

I think it's just a typo? 'Cause I couldn't make sense of the two "above the" phrases.

I don't have anything more to add though. This is *wonderful*, and all those Bible references were fantastic. It fit into this very well. There were so many parts that I liked, this review would look probably five times longer if I showed them. You had some great poetic style in this. It's beautifully written, and I think it serves your message extremely well. I wish I could hear it. Great job!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Great job!! I love it a lot!!

'The path treaded by Jesus pained, but it’s time we walk it'
^^
Great line!! My favorite, actually. I LOVE the Christian parts in this. Keep up the good work!

Good job and keep writing,
Narnialover4ever1