Young Writers Society

What happens when the Princesses don’t need the Knights?
What happens when the brain does not need the heart?
What happens when that girl ditches you, all of you?

Nothing will give you a clue, what is going to happen to you?

Total destruction, heartfelt eruption, Total destruction, Yeah, Total Destruction!
She is going to melt all of you when she’s done with you just as a blacksmith does with a bad horse shoe.

I feel real sorry for all of you cause you people don’t have a flipping clue what is happening to you yet.

Total destruction, heartfelt eruption, Total destruction, Yeah, Total Destruction!
She is going to melt all of you when she’s done with you just as a blacksmith does with a bad horse shoe.

Nothing will give you a clue, what is going to happen to you?
You’re going to yell and want to rebel
Cause she dragged you all to hell.

Aaah..."horseshoe", it's one word

...it's late I'm cutting this review short because it's a working day tomorrow!

LIFE HAPPENS...

Pretty good

This is a good piece. I liked the way you captured the whole heartbreak scenario, the imagery as good.
This line,
"Total destruction, heartfelt eruption, Total destruction, Yeah, Total Destruction!"
I liked it a lot, because when your heart breaks, it feels like the whole world is crashing down.
Keep going, best wishes

Hi there!

My corrections/comments are all in red:

CardDragon wrote:What happens when the Princesses don’t need the Knights? <-- my favorite line!
What happens when the brain does not need the heart?
What happens when that girl ditches you, all of you?
Great use of repitition in this first part. I like how you took one general idea and split it up into three different examples. My favorite is the first on about the princess and the knights.

Nothing will give you a clue, what is going to happen to you? I think this would work better if you said 'no one will give you a clue'. I don't know, 'nothing will give you a clue' sounds a awkward.

Total destruction, heartfelt eruption, great imagery! Total destruction, Yeah, Total Destruction!
She is going to melt all of you when she’s done with you just as a blacksmith does with a bad horse shoe. I like this comparison.

I feel real sorry for all of you cause you people don’t have a flipping clue what is happening to you yet.

Total destruction, heartfelt eruption, Total destruction, Yeah, Total Destruction!
She is going to melt all of you when she’s done with you just as a blacksmith does with a bad horse shoe.

Nothing will give you a clue, what is going to happen to you?
You’re going to yell and want to rebel
Cause she dragged you all to hell.
Wow...what an ending. I love it!

Overall, good job with this. Keep writing!

I like the idea but I cant say that this is a complete lyric. I mean why so short? You presented a great idea but not what it holds.

If Id be you Id make turn this into an actual lyric.

What happens when the Princesses don’t need the Knights?
What happens when the brain does not need the heart?
What happens when that girl ditches you, all of you?

I really loved this, how you used the comparisons was amazeing

Anywats I hope you could turn it into an actual lyric and make it longer.

Let me know if you do so. Good Luck!

Heya, Card!

I very much liked this! You've got an excellent grasp on imagery and metaphors. Very, very awesome! The others pointed out all those good, yummy parts, so I agree with those! You've got good stuff here.

I think the main thing I found was that there wasn't much meat to this song. There were questions, then you had the chorus, but you didn't have many verses that could help provide for the message of the song.

What happens when the Princesses don’t need the Knights?
What happens when the brain does not need the heart?
What happens when that girl ditches you, all of you?

I thought this was a brilliant idea and an excellent intro to the song. There were a couple spots that just doesn't seem to flow well. One of them is the word "princesses," which is just a hard word to sing. xD But the other is the "all of you" in the third question. Is there a way to rephrase this to mimic the parallelism in the previous two lines?

Total destruction, heartfelt eruption, Total destruction, Yeah, Total Destruction!
She is going to melt all of you when she’s done with you just as a blacksmith does with a bad horse shoe.

So this chorus is actually pretty awesome. xD I also wonder if "Total Destruction" would make a good alternative title. Anyhoot, this is a perfect example of that excellent imagery I mentioned at first. That metaphor is just awesome: it's a clear image, an accurate metaphor for its intended purpose, and the rhythm just fits so well.

Nothing will give you a clue, what is going to happen to you?
You’re going to yell and want to rebel
Cause she dragged you all to hell.

D: This is the end? I feel like you could go on a little more. Maybe do another stanza like the first one with the questions. Just for kicks. xD

The song itself seems to be just vague enough that it could fit in any situation that involves a vengeful heartbreak. It's pretty hardcore, and length doesn't ever matter anywhere as long as it works as it is. In this case, I think you could benefit from more length? Less whining from the speaker and more evidence to what exactly the speaker's talking about. However, you wouldn't have to do too much more to get there. Just maybe an extra stanza for that, really. And that's only if you consider it!

Overall, very well done.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I have decided to post a extended and corrected version of the song.