Young Writers Society

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Helloue! This is a very strong poem emotionally - it brings up a sore subject and I think you've done a great job expressing the hurt one must feel being so mistreated. Since I assume this is also a song I guess punctuation isn't necessary but I'd still prefer it As I said.. this poem doesn't lack emotion but I do think though, that you should add some more imagery and made the narrators feelings more vivid instead of just saying what she's feeling. Also, you've got some great lines that I feel could be worked more with.. like "If I were made of glass"... you say, then you would feel less hurt.. why? Often glass is a synonym to fragile... but maybe you mean that if you were a glass entirely you would have no feelings... Well... I'm just mumbling now so I'll just add this little nitpick to my review;

"And it wouldn't hurts so much" - I think you meant "hurt" here... and personally I'd change the "so" for an "as"


Overall - Powerful piece! I give you 3/5 spiders

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hi there!

I really enjoyed this. The words are great and it all flows together so well. The general idea is good. Your rhyme scheme is off though. At the beginning you were rhyming every other line, but then you fell away from that.If you're going to rhyme, keep it consistent. If not, don't rhyme at all.

Keep writing!

Its a good piece. Over all its powerful and to the point.

Your heart may be pure stone
But I am made of flesh and bone
And you may feel like
You own the world
But I'm just one girl
In a sea of billions
One drop of rain
In a downpour
So why'd you choose me
Out of millions?
Could you be human?

The last part brings it all together and really gives it push towards 'why cant you see what your doing to me'. I love it! Its beautiful work. Keep it up!

--Taylor

Hellooo lele253isme!! =)
I'm here to review your song for you today! (obviously )
Okay, so I want to start off with saying that this is a good and emotional song and that it has a good story in it. I like your use of words. Just a few little nitpicks:

(Chorus)
And it wouldn't hurts so much It should be =hurt=
If I was made of glass
I would feel less pain

If I was numb inside
But, no, I have a soul inside

Maybe change one of the insides into something else? I think it would sound better that way and less repetitive.

But other than that this is a good write! I hope this review helped a little and please forgive me if it didn't help at all. XD
I enjoyed reading and reviewing this and keep writing!
-qaralynn-

Hi, Lele! I'm here as I mentioned I would be!

This song was pretty cool! I wouldn't say it lived up to the previous poem I read of yours (the, uh, "Pretty Perfect Plastic" one, I think?), but it's still on the right track. And honestly, though I have more nitpicks on here than I did in the other, they're still only suggestive nitpicks and can be completely ignored.

But what I did like about the song is that your message was very clear, and you threw in some imagery that I found rather astounding. Others were questionable, and I'll mention them. Seriously though, I enjoyed it immensely!

You sit and stare ahead
Blocking out the words you just said
As if my feelings are nothing
You always seem to know
The day to put me down
You always seem to be around
At the time when my healing wounds
Are exposed

The lack of punctuation made it hard to read. XD But never fear, for I found the three sentences and it made perfect sense after that! I do want to say that I enjoyed your opening stanza though. I've noticed by this point though that your rhyme scheme and your rhythm aren't quite consistent, and I wish I could hear the music with it to get a proper idea how the song goes. D: Oh, well.

I think maybe your last three lines (the last sentence in the stanza) got a bit wordy. Again, I don't have the music, and I'm having a hard time finding a beat or rhythm to the song (Not your fault, so don't worry!), so I could be extremely silly. You can ignore me in that case! But yeah, if it's been cramped into a line when you sing, perhaps look into rephrasing that. Mainly 'cause this entire verse doesn't quite match up rhythmically to the second verse, and I'll get to that in a minute! ^_^

And it wouldn't hurts so much
If I was made of glass
I would feel less pain
If I was numb inside

The rest of the chorus is really awesome, and I love how you phrased it. This part I only want to mention the glass metaphor. I'm not so sure it would be painless to be made of glass rather than having a proper soul. This is because glass is fragile and easy to break, so any pain inflicted upon a soul can probably break glass. You seemed to realize this when you used the cool stone metaphor later, which is harder to inflict pain upon since it's usually the reverse that happens. (Try to hurt a rock, and you end up hurting yourself.) Something to think about!

And also, the first sentence sounds like a lead-in line from the two verses and the bridge. (Yay, you ended the song on a chorus!) Does the "and" have to be there at the beginning? Just a question since I can't hear it! Great job on the rest of the chorus though.

Because the way you treat me
Is like I'm the chosen one
For when there's others around me

I actually don't understand the chosen one bit. I hope I'm not being difficult.

That's it though! I absolutely love your bridge. You definitely have that going for you, so try to rework the verses a bit! Not much to look into, really. Great job overall!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

AWESOOOME!!! Whoa i really loved the way you poured alot of emotion in the story. ANd i loved, loved the metaphorical phrases!
Keep up the good work will ya?! xD

Your heart may be pure stone
But I am made of flesh and bone
And you may feel like
You own the world
But I'm just one girl
In a sea of billions
One drop of rain
In a downpour
So why'd you choose me
Out of millions?
Could you be human?

WOW AMZING

I like the idea of the song but when I look into the lyrics I like to see the philosophical truth (in simple words theme) in them. I like how you show the pain that bullying causes to other people, but this song made me feel like:

"Look at me people feel sorry for me because im being bullied, why me? Why does it have to be me in pain?"

So even though you give out the message that bullying is wrong you still make the victims feel pitiful about them selves. Next time you write a song try to still show it on the positive side. Explain that even though you are the victim of bullying it doesn’t mean that you suffer. Explain that you can still be strong, stand up for yourself and do what is right.

If you notice we listen to music usually to level our spirituality and mentality to more towards a positive mood. Unfortunately many bands have very negative subliminal messages. That’s why many teens when they feel depressed or sad and listing to music they feel even more like sad victims.

Instead I believe we must aim our lyrics in the end towards a more positive message.

So next time you right new lyrics add a message that will help other people instead of makeing them feel bad. If you want more reviews, just let me know. Good LUCK!