Young Writers Society

Lonely, lonely
Lonely and sick of us
Lonely, lonely
Lonely and full of dust
Can you find a way to the smile road?
Where parasites no longer consume
The dragging way we try to go hold
The last hope before our fucking doom

And I recalled
Being left alone
And on my own
Left here with tombstones
Sitting and playing cards with
The Skeleton who cries blood
Here, we’re two waiting for three to bear gifts
Yes, here, we’re two and playing fucking cards

I saw her go
Did nothing but stand still
That night it snowed
Laid there as it did kill
I dared not speak a word as she moved
Deeper into the fog and faded
With no more pity and no more love
All melted and evaporated
Where his bony hand lifted up my thawed self
His bloody tears screamed that he wanted help
Where one abandons
One resumes the place
Where one commands hands
One gives rest from pace

For I recalled
Being dead alone
Left on my own
Left here with dead crones
Waking and playing cards with
The Skeleton who cries blood
Here, we’re two waiting for three to bear gifts
Yes, here, we’re two and playing fucking cards

And after all, you fucking murdered me
I knew I’d fall but didn’t fucking know just how
And after all, you killed and took your flee
I did not crawl; I was out beneath the tree’s owl

Hey, Skeleton man lets play another round
Oh yeah, hey love, there’s room for one more

Hey, bitch, there’s room for one more
Hey, bitch, there’s room for one more
Hey, bitch, there’s room for one more
Hey, bitch, there’s room for one more
Hey, bitch, there’s room for…

Hi there!

I like this, it's really good. It flows well and has nothing I can find to correct. I'm not a huge fan of cussing, but if it works for you that's fine. Sometimes there's just no other way around it. I was actually able to sing this to myself while reading it. Great job! Keep writing!

Hello again, Lies!

This was actually really neat to read. You had some awesome parallels between stanzas, and the imagery was really cool!

I personally find all the language distracting. The occasional word is fine with me, but when it overdoes it, it distracts me from the song itself. Then again, I don't really listen to that kind of music, so what do I know! It could just be me.

Your rhythm here was really cool. Like Noelle said, I could certainly sing this in my head just by how the words fit so well together.

Can you find a way to the smile road?

Not sure if I liked "smile" in this line! It works, and yet I feel like you could use another word too. Doesn't really need to change though it works well with the music!

That night it snowed
Laid there as it did kill

Maybe it's just because there's no punctuation, but the second line here made me stumble. I wasn't sure if the snow was killing the speaker, or if the snow was the one laying there. Maybe the speaker was laying there! Dunno. xD Again, maybe nothing to worry about.

I did not crawl; I was out beneath the tree’s owl

I thought the "tree's owl" seemed out of place with the rest of the song. It did continue the dark, night theme you had going. But it didn't seem to fit with this stanza. Basically, I'm not sure what it's referring to. xD

Those are the only nitpicks I could manage to think up though. Really, it's a good piece of work! There is awesome parallels, the rhyming is really fun, and the imagery is outstanding. I enjoyed it, so good work!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!