Young Writers Society

I wish I knew what you were doing at this moment
Oh, and do you have accidental thoughts of me as well?
Do you ever want out of this cold predicament?
For I cannot continue living in this state of hell

And our son says:
Mama has the most beautiful eyes
and she has the most beautiful smile
Papa, mama is so beautiful

And to myself I say:
Baby, has the most beautiful eyes
It's just too bad she doesn't see what's good in me
Yes, she has the most beautiful smile
But it's too bad she carries so much hate for me

I wish we were lying so close together, right here
Feeling your smooth soft body creeping closer to mine
As I caress your face and feel your heartbeat, it's all so clear
That being without you is polluting my frail mind

Our son once said:
Mama has the most beautiful eyes
and she has the most beautiful smile
Papa, mama is so beautiful

I fall back and say:
Baby, has the most beautiful eyes
It's just too bad she doesn't see what's good in me
Yes, she has the most beautiful smile
But it's too bad she carries so much hate for me

I can pinpoint where we went wrong
and I know that you can do it as well, too
I recall how I wasn't strong
and I know that you can bring it all back, too
Just to see me squirm
To sun dry this worm

Forgiveness is a burden to you
but your forgiveness is my only hope
Forgiveness is just nagging to you
but your forgiveness is my only hope

And I want your attention
And I want your communication
And I want back affection
And I want back your devotion

(I don't think it matters what I want)
(No, I don't think it matters)
(I don't think...)

Good song. A couple of points:

I wish I knew what you were doing at this moment
Oh, and do you have accidental thoughts of me as well?

The "Oh, and" is awkward. Usually, when you think of an aside, it comes after a very long monologue. Asides do not normally come after one lines. So, I'd suggest striking out the "Oh, and". I think your song flows better without it.

Just to see me squirm
To sun dry this worm

These two lines are extremely awkward. For one, it's the only time in the entire song that you use a metaphor, so these two lines stand out like a sore thumb. More than that, the imagery of these two lines does not fit with the rest of the song. As a result, they stand out very prominently, and not in a good way. I'd suggest getting rid of them.

Besides that, I think this song was good. You have some interesting lines, my favorite being:

Forgiveness is a burden to you
but your forgiveness is my only hope
Forgiveness is just nagging to you
but your forgiveness is my only hope

So overall, good.

I really like this song, overall it's very good. Your grammar does appear a little bit awkward in places, and your use of words could be simplified for a better flow:

Oh, and

< I'm not sure that that is needed.

I think it's a little unusual that you use colons too, for they won't be detected in the song as it is heard and visualised rather than read.

But anyway, to the positive side, you have a great mind for song lyrics. I love the lines at the end especially, very effective!

You seem to be able to connect deeply and manifest thoughts and ideas within a great structure!

Well done