Young Writers Society

In a dream I saw you,
Dancing like flames in the wind.
You came and you kissed me so soft and so sweet,
I cared not if I lived again.

In the day I found you,
Sitting under the oak tree.
I came and I kissed you and gently I said,
“I love you, I hope you love me?.”

In the night I held you
You made not a sound, not a peep.
We laid there in silence, our breathing kept time.
I smiled and fell into sleep.

In my life I need you
To help me see life as it is.
My solace, my sun, Mon amour, my dear love.
Unexpected but needed, this bliss.

In time, I will lose you,
But I’ll never think of that day.
I will hold on and let go only when I must,
And listen to all that you say.

In the world, I know you.
You are what makes it worth living.
A dream, a lifetime, the day, night, and time.
I’ll give you what I have for giving.


“Love is a treasure, which we can never pay. The only way to keep it is to give it away.”

The only thing I'd say is to break it up into stanzas.

Also, it looks like you did this on the new version of Word, which doesn't do single space unless you press shift+enter. (It's one of my new pet peeves, actually.) Since this is a poem, I think it'd be better single spaced instead of the way you have it right now.

Other than that, nothing to critique. It's beautiful.

You kissed him and then asked if \"he loved you\". I\'m sorry that\'s just stupid...no one in their right mind will kiss someone without knowing if they loved them or not (in a romantic way i mean)

dregymayfield: Not necessarily. Not everyone puts all that much value in a kiss, and emotions can be very complex. You can enjoy another's kiss without actually being in love with them.

Hi Vee!

First off, I'll just warn you that I'm not very knowledgeable when it comes to poetry so if I say something that doesn't seem right, that's probably because it isn't right. But I'll try and help you out as much as I can.

Dancing like flames in the wind..

Sorry for being so nit-picky, but is there a reason for the two periods there?

I will hold on and let go only when I must,
And listen to all you do say.

This rhyme felt a little forced to me, just because of the "you do say" part. That just doesn't sound natural to me. Maybe say something more like "...and listen to all that you say"? I'm not sure--maybe tinker with it a little bit?

Overall, this was very sweet! I can feel the emotion when reading it, and it is lovely. Simple, sweet, and quite lovely. I really liked the part where you mention knowing that this won't last forever, but not wanting to think about it. I got the sense that you just want to let yourself enjoy the present fully without worrying about the future, because the present is so enjoyable. Very nice. The poem's voice is innocent and pure and straight from the heart.

I'm not so sure about the quote in the end, to tell you the truth. It feels a little bit tacked on there for no obvious reason. And also, because it's something of a cliché, I found it sort of messing with the atmosphere of the rest of the piece, which felt very original and personal. That quote seemed a little bit like the kind of thing you might read on the back of a Hallmark card, which didn't fit with the rest of the piece which felt like it was definitely written with a specific person in mind.

Also, I'm not really sure what you're doing with the rhyming; for the most part, it seems like the second and fourth lines of each stanza rhyme with each-other, but the first stanza isn't like that. Is there a reason for this that I'm not seeing?


All in all, though, you did a beautiful job. It is a lovely poem and I enjoyed reading it a lot. The girl you wrote this for is one lucky kid! ^_~ Let me know if you have any questions about anything I've said.

a

P.S. This is posted in Lyrics. Does it have a melody? If not, would you like me to move it to a poetry forum? It's up to you, just let me know if you want me to move it.

Beautiful Poem

I agree with the pup, the spacing is strange. I'm not quite sure on the flow but then again I have no idea how it sounds. I do wish they had some sort ofrecording tool on this site. But anywho, I liked the material though I am getting a tad tired of love songs. But for what it is, it's descent =]

When you post lyrics I think it does that weird spacing thing anyway..whether you like it or not :S I liked it a lot maybe a little too much lovey-doveyness but otherwise it was really good xXx