Young Writers Society

Solace is my goal
But solitude has its hold
Disease mind is mine
But here I say that I’m fine
If I could change who I was
Then you would bitch not because…

I wouldn’t be so fucked up
I wouldn’t be so deranged
I wouldn't of been locked up
I wouldn’t be so damaged
You think you know me based on what I’ve done
You think not of the bullshit that you’ve done

You fucked me up
As I fucked myself up

Our love’s wrist is slit
And losing blood bit by bit
We lose consciousness
This pumped out blood’s such a mess
If I could change who I was
Then you would bitch not because…

I fucked you up
As you fucked me up
You fucked me up
As I fucked myself up

This can’t end
Why must it end?

Hey dregymayfield! Pleasure to meet you. I am Esther, and I will be reviewing your lyrics today.

Solace is my goal
But solitude has its hold
Disease mind is mine
But here I say that I’m fine
If I could change who I was
Then you would bitch not because… <- This stanza does not make much sense, I am afraid. You are talking about a relationship, right? But right now you are talking about solitude. Lyrics don't have to make perfect sense, but they shouldn't contradict. This might be a nitpick from a non-metaphorical soul, but look into it.

I wouldn’t be so fucked up
I wouldn’t be so deranged
I would’ve been locked up
I wouldn’t be so damaged <- "Damaged" doesn't rhyme with "deranged" -- not at all. Maybe try something else?
You think you know me based on what I’ve done
You think not of the bullshit that you’ve done

You fucked me up
As I fucked myself up <- This is somewhat redundant. To a listener, this feels like you used an excuse to say f***.

Our love’s wrist is slit
And losing blood bit by bit
We lose consciousness
This pumped out blood’s such a mess
If I could change who I was
Then you would bitch not because… I like this stanza a lot. It's a good metaphor. Still, the b--- part doesn't make sense. I'll explain later.

I fucked you up
As you fucked me up
You fucked me up
As I fucked myself up This just makes you sound like any other dirty-mouthed rapper in the universe. Do you want to curse a lot, or do you want to make a point with the gift of words? Make your choice.

This can’t end
Why must it end? The whole time you are complaining. But you don't want it to end? Perhaps delve into why you don't want it to end, rather than raising questions that have no answer.

Overall: Well, I liked this. I feel the emotion in there, but you have to be careful not to contradict yourself. Sometimes you say things are something and then you say the opposite. I can't even understand some parts. It's like you are confused as to what you are actually saying, but the tone makes it feel like whatever the lyrics say are absolute. I actually can't point out any general part of your song to criticize because I'm not positive what you are trying to get across. (That didn't make any sense, but it was the best I could tell you) And also, your language. Let's consider something real quick. Whenever you say a curse word, over, and over, and over again, it becomes more obvious that another word could be used. Tell me, what emotion does the word f--- or b--- stir to the listener? It brings up the same meaning every time. You are supposed to be getting emotions across, correct? Vary your words. Perhaps it isn't the vulgarity in your text as it is the lack of sophistication. I see some beautiful metaphors here, so I know that you have the talent to actually use lovely language. When you write lyrics again, try to tell a story rather than curse repetitively at the sky. You know how when you say something over and over again it starts to blur into something incomprehensible? Separate yourself from all those other "musicians" out there.

I suppose I started to rant. But anyway, I think you should work harder to get your point across. Replace the stanzas that only offer bad language and change them so that you are actually telling a story, and you'll get there. Right now, it seems a little all over the place. But I liked it.

Thank you for the read,

Esther

Personally I like it. I understand the contradiction at the end. By human nature we're all so...naive, is it?... that we come to enjoy pain and problems. We still act like we hate them, but we really enjoy it--that is the "bitching" and complaining, the fighting and struggling. It's a perpetual cycle that becomes our own fault in the end.

Overall, I enjoyed it. Sincere it seamed.

A song I suggest: @!#?@! (Extremely Explicit in Language terms...)
Maybe some inspiration there. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yw0MrOkN ... re=related

In truth, I find it a very good and meaningful song.

--Keep Writing
---Hopefully I'll get to review some of your other things!
--Skis

i agree with Esthar , the reader or the listener...... need to feel the emotions more than consistent curses.
you should add something more in the end a verse. to complete the meaning....

i saw your reviews and you have a good sense to words, keep up :D:D