Young Writers Society

All you'de have to do is ask me,
And I'de shatter my world for you.
You've got me locked in chains of love,
And I can't seem to break through.
I don't wanna feel this way for you,
But I guess I got no choice.
Just when I think I'm finally free
I break at the sound of your voice.
You shouldn't have this power
Over someone strong as me.
I shouldn't feel so drowsy,
Like you're putting me to sleep.
But everytime I run from you,
My feet just turn around.
Be careful what you ask from me,
I can't ever turn you down.
Let go of me,
Just set me free,
Why can't you see
You're burning me alive?
If this is how love feels like,
Then please, just kill me now.
I can't stand the pain you make me feel
Yet I feel so bad when I see you frown.
It isn't right, the things you do,
To make me feel alive.
Then you go and tear me down,
you make me want to die.
I'm trapped again
Behind bars of love,
You're my devil
sent straight from above.
So pull as I may
From your bitersweet hold,
I can only offer my life
and pretend to be bold.

This isn\'t really that bad at all. I only see two mistakes in this piece. You spelled You\'d and I\'d with an e at the end. Other than that the lyric was great.

The flow of this was quite uneven. In the first four lines, for instance:

All you'de have to do is ask me,
And I'de shatter my world for you.
You've got me locked in chains of love,
And I can't seem to break through.

Spelling aside, if you read the lines aloud, you'll notice that "shatter" changes the rhythm pattern, while the fourth line seems to be either missing a syllable or have an extra one. I'm not quite sure how these lines would work musically, unless there are a fair number of held out/skipped over notes in the melody.

The uneven flow was very obvious in the ending lines:

So pull as I may (5)
From your bittersweet hold, (6)
I can only offer my life (8)
and pretend to be bold. (6)

The numbers in the parentheses are syllable counts, and as you can see, the 8 comes out of nowhere. Rhyme relies upon rhythm, and so if the rhythm is not consistent, things sound off. Because the first two lines tallied up to 11 syllables, one expects that the final two lines would also add up to 11 syllables, but they don't, and this really throws one off.

Rocky rhythm aside, your formatting could use a lot of work. Every misspelling is a major detractor, and there is no clear separation between shifts in rhythm; namely, where do the verses end and choruses/bridges begin? While this wouldn't be an issue with music, there is no music available, which makes these lyrics difficult to appreciate. The space between every single line does not help matters visually either.

In short, I suggest proofreading more closely in the future and taking the time to format your lyrics so that they're more readable, especially if you won't be including music. It will make it much easier for reviewers to appreciate the lyrics and see them as more than mediocre poetry.