Young Writers Society

You can call me sick
But I can't stop thinking of it
I want to see myself penetrate her
To smell, to feel, to taste all that is her
I remember I saw her at the store
My eyes kept me hooked saying more and more

~chorus~
Stalker Syndrome
You can't take her home
Stalker Syndrome
It's why you're alone
Stalker Syndrome
You can't take her home
Leave her the fuck alone

I follow closely
If she'd only knew of my plea
I want to feel her skin touching my skin
To slide in that spot her legs hide within
I try to look away, but I cannot
This thing is something that I've always fought

(chorus)

You can't look away...look away
Because it makes it much worse
You can't kill it away...kill it away
Because it makes it much worse
You can't kill her...kill her
Because it will only exacerbate how much more you are pathetic
perverted
deranged
insane
fucking loser

A fucking loser

(chorus)

Hi there


I like this. This is quite angry and aggressive lyrics. It's pretty graphic in parts and I'm glad that you did not shy away from that.

My only worry is that your being very angsty and aggressive for the sake of it. The best lyrics and songs don't shy away from the dark details, but they don't make it overblown. You can write well-crafted and strong lyrics while still maintaining all the angst and anger you want to keep there.

Keep working at it.

Hi, dregymayfield! I decided to come and take a look, since I saw this only had one review so far.


This sounds like an intense rock song, so I'm imagining it goes to a fast tempo, with the singer having a bit of raspy voice and all, heh. That's the impression I've got, at least.

I think you did quite a good job with the chorus. Not many people manage to make the choruses simple enough, while they still say a lot and don't come across as rushed. The title, which is mentioned in the chorus as well, is interesting and draws attention.

The biggest problem I had with this song was the word "exacerbate". After I read it, I could just think "...really? That's the word you want to use?" It seems so out of place with the rest of the poem, it's more like comical. I think you could come up with another word that fits in better.

Well, this doesn't exactly seem a song that I usually like, but I think that as a song it's pretty well structured, with a clear A, B, and C parts.

Keep writing!


Demeter
x

Hey there.

In general, I liked this because it was different, It wasn't just another song regarding someone's love for a member for the opposite sex, but rather lust, and the song does portray something more primordial that all lurks among us; but perhaps thankfully remains suppressed.

There are however a few things I'd like to raise to a head or two.

In terms of subtlety or pacing, the song falls down quite dramatically very quickly. Although I don't think the line "I want to see myself penetrate her" is particularly out of order, I do feel that so early in a song the line losses it's meaning, and may simply have the song labelled as poor in taste; and unfortunately that will reflect on you. I think this line would work as a conclusion to a verse, especially to a clever previous line; their are plenty of words that share either an -er suffix, or that are phonetically similar similar to the word her. With regards to pacing, the song is going to have have almost no chance of having a shocker or killer line, when such a line is used so early.

I won't say much else about the rest of the song, suggestions can sometimes spoil an idea, however the ending I think would work better if the final word were deranged or insane etc. As it stands I thought it was good, but loser doesnt roll of the tongue so well and phonetically just doesn't fit after the previous singular words. Also i'm not sure that "Because it will only exacerbate how much more you are pathetic" is correct in gramatical terms, but thats pretty minor!

Anyway, I hoped this helped and all. I'm more familiar with rap based lyrics, I just find that linguistically the use of English language constructs and lexicon are better, but that's just my opinion.

Beta Tested!