First Love

Gender:

Points: 67823
Reviews: 254

Thu Mar 03, 2011 3:46 pm

ehte92 says...

I have finally come up with something after a long writers block. And i did not expect that it could have been a lyric but here it is.... I am satisfied with whatever i have written... Please people be a bit kind to it....

FIRST LOVE

[VERSE 1]
I saw you there.
On the bus.
There was no one else.
Just us!

[VERSE 2]
I was afraid; couldn't even say
Hi!!
But that doesn’t mean;
That I won’t try.

[CHORUS 1]
‘Cause you’re my, first love!
I ever had in this world.
And I could do anything;
To have you in my life.

[CHORUS 2]
‘Cause you’re my first love!
You’ll always be the one.
Who holds my hands.
As we swim through time.

[VERSE 3]
Mom says, “NO GIRLS!”
But I don’t wanna live alone.
I’m coming for you.
‘Cause you’re the one I deserve.

[VERSE 4]
Let’s just be friends for now.
Someday you will surely love me.
You have to give me a chance.
I will never let you feel lonely.

[CHORUS 1]
‘Cause you’re my, first love!
I ever had in this world.
And I could do anything;
To have you in my life.

[CHORUS 2]
‘Cause you’re my first love!
You’ll always be the one.
Who holds my hands.
As we swim through time.

LIKE it if you like it.... xD
Hope you people like it.... :smt003

Are you living for the things you are praying for?

Gender:

Points: 4870
Reviews: 145

Thu Mar 03, 2011 5:37 pm

Matthews says...

It's cute, but rather unoriginal. Maybe ad of a few more interesting lines?
There were quite a few exclamation marks in places that didn't really need them, and...

‘Cause you’re my, first love!

I ever had in this world.

And I could do anything;

To have you in my life.

...the comma should be taken out in the first line, and I think that the exclamation mark should be taken out as well.

Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

Gender:

Points: 925
Reviews: 61

Fri Mar 04, 2011 7:05 am

Amberla93 says...

Ello,

This was very sweet, I even laughed at the cuteness of it. I loved the third verse, "Mom says, "NO GIRLS!" Haha that was just grand. I liked how it's not sad, most love songs are. Even more so when it's about your first love. The only thing that didn't make much sense was the line "As we swim through time." Swim? Through time? It just confused me... but that's easily done, trust me. Either way I loved it.

Good job.

Life is short, so make the best of the time you have!

Gender:

Points: 1931
Reviews: 72

Sat Mar 05, 2011 4:00 pm

ShadowKnight155 says...

The exclamations are okay, but they can be removed, however, it might be necessary without posting audio. Keep all the commas, they show when pitch changes and all that. I didn't really care for it, but if you're coming out of writers block, it's a great start. It does seem a little empty, though. And unoriginal. I did like verse 4, that was pretty original, although you might want to add more of a "chasing after" aspect. That seems undone and/or done badly. Plus "chasing after" fits with a lot of people, I never got why there's no love songs like that.

: NeedsImprovement!.png (9.17 KiB) Viewed 299 times

I'm feeling generous today, so I'll give you a "Needs Improvement" stamp! Please note that this makes me feel really conceited! Although that's probably true, but I was bored.

By nature, all language is flawed.

"Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding," - Albert Einstein

Gender:

Points: 1245
Reviews: 142

Tue Mar 08, 2011 1:56 am

lele253isme says...

Truly I don't get the meaning. and for being Eighteen you should do better. Not judging but with a review you have to tell the solid truth. but other than that pretty good.

Gender:

Points: 1058
Reviews: 12

Sun Mar 13, 2011 7:02 am

crestfallen says...

Too cliche' and sickingly not original like the other person said. Also you should say it's your "first love" more like a "First crush" We as teenagers have no true concept of what love is. We are just hormonial (I might have spelled that wrong).

Gender:

Points: 9046
Reviews: 114

Sun Mar 27, 2011 2:16 am

Razcoon says...

First off ehte, sorry this took so long to review. I was waiting for review day.

Anywho, I'm sad to say this seems like it was written briefly on the spot by someone with no experience or understanding regarding this subject whatsoever. It's simple and cute, but evokes no emotion and isn't exactly creative. It's not deep; it only skims the surface. If you were to write an honest song about this subject, it should at least seem genuine. This literally strings together some of the most corny cliches out there.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful! I'm not really sure how to help you; these are your first lyrics, and lyrics are HARD to write.
>>Annie<<

P.S. Puzzler says this song is kibble. I'm not exactly sure what that means, to be honest. xD

Ideas don't stay in heads very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

Gender:

Points: 1040
Reviews: 5

Sun Mar 27, 2011 3:07 am

Reebz says...

After going through your works, this doesn't really seem like you. Quite brief, but I'm sure that if you continue, you'll be able to put those writing skills to good use.

Gender:

Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Sun Mar 27, 2011 11:15 am

Saman says...

I loved the part - Mom says 'No Girls!'.....ahahaha!! Even my dad says 'No Boys!'....Believe me, there's a big gap between our and our parent's generation.

sfk[code][/code]

Gender:

Points: 1040
Reviews: 29

Mon Mar 28, 2011 5:29 am

dregymayfield says...

Forgive me if this comes off being mean, but when I read this I thought it was a girl who wrote this. It\'s too feminine in my opinion and like what Crestfallen said, it is sickingly too cliche\'.

Young Writers Society

First Love

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources