Young Writers Society

I think about our time together.
I think about the days of fun.
I think about all we used to be.
I wish that we still could be.

I know I will not ever forget you.
I can’t wait till the day you’re mine.
I hope that you’ll always be happy.
And I know that someday you’ll miss me.

-Piano-

A year ago today,
I loved you.
A year ago today,
I knew I only want you.
A year ago today,
You said forever.
Who knew forever ended yesterday?

A year ago today,
You kissed me.
A year ago today,
You would have missed me.
A year ago today,
You gave me your heart
And I honestly thought you would stay.

I think about our time together.
I think about the days of fun.
I think about all we used to be.
I wish that we still could be.

I know I will not ever forget you.
I can’t wait till the day you’re mine.
I hope that you’ll always be happy.
And I know that someday you’ll miss me.

-Piano-

A month ago today,
It was really over.
A month ago today,
We said we’d be friends.
A month ago today,
We were done trying
But I promise I won’t give up on you.

Even though a week ago today,
You love her.
A week ago today,
You only want her.
A week ago today,
You told her forever,
And forever will start today.

I think about our time together.
I think about the days of fun.
I think about all we used to be.
I wish that we still could be.

I know I will not ever forget you.
I can’t wait till the day you’re mine.
I hope that you’ll always be happy.
And I know that someday you’ll miss me.

-Piano-

One of these days,
You’ll wish you could kiss me.
One of these days,
You’ll really miss me.
One of these days,
You’ll want me back,
And maybe it’ll be okay.

One of these days,
You’ll tell me you love me.
One of these days,
You’ll only want me.
One of these days,
You’ll say forever,
And this time forever really starts today.

I think about our time together.
I think about the days of fun.
I think about all we used to be.
I wish that we still could be.

I know I will not ever forget you.
I can’t wait till the day you’re mine.
I hope that you’ll always be happy.
And I know that someday you’ll miss me.

Hey Carlito, here for the review. I'll review this on a "just wrote it and want first opinion basis", so breathe easy.

Carlito wrote:I think about our time together.
I think about the days of fun.
I think about all we used to be.
I wish that we still could be.

I know I will not ever forget you.
I can’t wait till the day you’re mine.
I hope that you’ll always be happy.
And I know that someday you’ll miss me.

-Piano-

A year ago today,
I loved you.
A year ago today,
I knew I only want you.
A year ago today,
You said forever.
Who knew forever ended yesterday?

A year ago today,
You kissed me.
A year ago today,
You would have missed me.
A year ago today,
You gave me your heart
And I honestly thought you would stay.

I think about our time together.
I think about the days of fun.
I think about all we used to be.
I wish that we still could be.

I know I will not ever forget you.
I can’t wait till the day you’re mine.
I hope that you’ll always be happy.
And I know that someday you’ll miss me.

-Piano-

A month ago today,
It was really over.
A month ago today,
We said we’d be friends.
A month ago today,
We were done trying
But I promise I won’t give up on you.

Even though a week ago today,
You love her.
A week ago today,
You only want her.
A week ago today,
You told her forever,
And forever will start today.

I think about our time together.
I think about the days of fun.
I think about all we used to be.
I wish that we still could be.

I know I will not ever forget you.
I can’t wait till the day you’re mine.
I hope that you’ll always be happy.
And I know that someday you’ll miss me.

-Piano-

One of these days,
You’ll wish you could kiss me.
One of these days,
You’ll really miss me.
One of these days,
You’ll want me back,
And maybe it’ll be okay.

One of these days,
You’ll tell me you love me.
One of these days,
You’ll only want me.
One of these days,
You’ll say forever,
And this time forever really starts today.

I think about our time together.
I think about the days of fun.
I think about all we used to be.
I wish that we still could be.

I know I will not ever forget you.
I can’t wait till the day you’re mine.
I hope that you’ll always be happy.
And I know that someday you’ll miss me.

Hey Carl, I've looked this over, and I notice a repetitive structure centering on this perspective "I" and the target of affection, "you", who has obviously caused strife, or loss to the speaker. One thing, make sure you have a beat in mind with this. It needs timing and cues for the singer, or the singer ends up dictating the song and the music just suffers something awful. It's especially a problem for electronic synthesized things, since they are pre-arranged so the singer is even more constrained, and works harder to match the beat. Improvisation is lost without real musicians, and lyrics are actually affected.

Which I see in the repetitive structure. What type of song is this? Pop? Folk? Rock? Blues? It's important that's specified so I have an idea of what to hear and see the flow, what time is most likely (as in 4/4, 3/4, 5/8 etc.), and also the clef you have in mind.

Now to the song, it actually has ok rhythm, that's not bad. Some of the lines you should look over merely to make sure they could be sung well and clearly. In fact, sing this aloud now. Now look at the chorus you keep having. Is that a quick chorus? Slow and lumbering? Again, the style of music impacts this. I question how long this song is. Few popular styles of music and singing last more five minutes in any given song (take a look, it's not normal), and this could take a while depending on your choices.

Now, also to your word choice, you're clear on what you're describing, but you're really not taking the leap, the necessary step to make this resonate with anyone.
"Hi I miss you, where are you
-variation 1 of first line
-variation 2 of first line, play on second-
-variation 3 with some semblance to one of the above lines-"

and then it becomes

"chorus chorus
piano piano"

twice, with no real display of WHY we care.

The song as a spoken and written art is far too easily caught in itself, being too much of the speaker's experience, without becoming something to be shared between singer, writer, song, and audience. Your song lacks this. Go back and elaborate on something specific, something real, something you can grasp; a general glossing view is simply not interesting, though it is well done. That's your problem, it's a well written, meh song. But it's meh.

Hope that helps.

edit: let me say this, if you can answer my questions about style, clef, beat, etc., my opinion and review of this would COMPLETELY change, but it depends on what you say and the development of this after the fact.

When I go home for Spring Break in a couple of days I'm going to try and figure out the piano part (I hear it all in my head but I'm not the best at piano) and if it sounds decent, I may post a video or chords or something.
Style, I would think alternative rock but it may be a bit popish.
Clef, treble because I imagine a female singing.
Beat, 4/4
The way I hear it in my head, there is very little instrumentation. It's a female voice and a piano playing. It's pretty slow (don't know an exact beat). When I timed it with myself singing it in my head and imagining the piano part it was about 5 minutes.

Thanks a lot for the review! I will definitely make an attempt to figure out the chords when I'm home for break and take your comments into consideration.

-Carly

why do people copy and paste the whole poem in their comments that they are making to the individual who wrote the poem. If they are doing that to increase points that is just stupid and that's not what the review thing is for. It's to make comments not to re-post the poem that you've read just to increase your points.