Young Writers Society

You make it so hard to sleep
You make it so easy to dream
There I go again
A walking contradiction, as you say
So here I am on the edge of fifteen
A little bit scared to jump
A little bit too smart for my own good
A little bit too scared to trust
Chorus
So do you think you could take me away
Your been the first person I’ve ever asked
Because I never did like this town
And this summer is going far too fast
So let’s hitch a ride into the city
Where everyone’s got a place to be
We’ll stay up late
We’ll have a blast
There won’t be a future
Won’t be a past
Verse 2
When February rolls round you’ll have to cut off your hair
And I’ll have to die mine back to brown
So let’s have an adventure while we still can
Let’s get lost
Let’s never get found
Chorus
Bridge
Do you remember when I met you?
In the fall
We didn’t have money
But we had it all
And then you turned to me and said
Let’s go
We’ve got a lot of things to do before were dead
Chorus

Hi!

I like this so much - I think it's so much more creative to write songs than poems ( I take it this is a song).

I love the way you double the beginnings of sentences, many times throughout:

You make it so hard to sleep
You make it so easy to dream

We’ll stay up late
We’ll have a blast

...and so on and so forth.

I think it was intentional to fragment the rhythm a little bit. It adds power to the feeling of the song, and I love emotional songs.

I was a little confused as to exactly what the emotion was. What were you trying to get across, to say in this piece?
Although, I think that was a little bit intentional as well.

Also, there was just one small editing mistake that I saw, otherwise, great spelling, grammar, etc., especially for songs, which are harder to keep edited completely:

I think you meant to say "You've":

Your been the first person I’ve ever asked

Overall, really good song!

-Lili

Hey, Gracie!
It so happens to be a coincidence that I love to critque songs. I am a perfectionist when it comes to the feel and wording of a song, and I must say I discovered some imperfections in your song. Here are my nitpicks:

Verse 1
You make it so hard to sleep
You make it so easy to dream
There I go again
A walking contradiction as you say, it seems
So here I am on the edge of fifteen
A little bit scared to jump
A little bit too smart for my own good
A little bit too scared to trust
Chorus
So do you think you could take me away
Your been the first person I’ve ever asked
Because I never did like this town
And this summer is going far too fast
So let’s hitch a ride into the city
Where everyone’s got a place to be
We’ll stay up late
We’ll have a blast
There won’t be a future
Won't beOr a past
Verse 2
When February rolls round you’ll have to cut off your hair
And I’ll have to dye mine back to brown
So let’s have an adventure while we still can
Bridge?
Let’s get lost
Let’s never get found

Chorus
Bridge

Do you remember when I met you?
In the fall
We didn’t have money
But we had it all
And then you turned to me and said
Let’s go
We’ve got a lot of things to do before we're dead

Chorus

As you might have noticed, I added a "Bridge?" in there. It's because you never specified a bridge, but later on in the song you say to refer to the bridge! Whoops! Of course, it might be that you forgot to write it, but I wrote the word bridge where I felt it would work.

Anyway, the song is really cute. I agree with what Lili said about the emotion of the song, although I did pick up that it could be an impatient song in terms of the girl really want to leave now with the boy. But not all emotion is picked up through lyrics- the melody also plays a big part, so if you have a melody, make sure your intended emotion is felt through it, and if you haven't made one yet, then make sure you include it!

Anyway, I must leave now, I have school photos tomorrow and I need to clean and prep myself the night before so I look fabulous

Keep writing!
-Madz

This was a spectactular read, however I found a few errors that I would like to point to you. The imager is fanatastic I felt as if I were in the woman's shoes.

Your line that says "Your been the first perons I've ever asked," I would reccomend that it might sound better if you said either, "You have been the first person that I've ever asked," or even "You are being the first person that I've ever asked."

Your line that says "And I'll have to die mine back to brown," I think that you misspelled the word dye because you are using the wrong word here die is to no longer exist, and dye is to color an object, hair, skin, and etc.

Other than these two corrections this was definitely worth the read. I hope that you post some new poetry up so that I may have the pleasure of reading it and giving you constructive criticism.