Young Writers Society

Okay, so this song I wrote a little while ago. It's called Kill The Messenger.

Here are the lyrics to it.



Verse1:

I'm wide awake and I can't see the sunlight coming through;

Can't remember the last time you told me the truth;

Don't know how I have gone to believe in you;

Don't know how I fell to the arms of the dark;

Don't know what lies beyond, can't find a spark;



Chorus:

Is this what I get- for believing you

Is this what I get for knowing the ruse

It is what I found after I heard my heart screaming the blinding truth



Verse 2:The light has come; But the clouds are hiding the sun;

The day's begun; How can I from such a thing run?

I now know how I went on and held you



Chorus:

Is this what I get- for loving you?

Is this what I get for knowing the ruse?

It's what I found after it told me the truth



Bridge:

I have known; My heart has told me so;

Why don't you kill it forever?

I have always known; My heart has told me so;

So will you kill the messenger?



I have known; I always knew;

But from it I turned away;

& now that I realize the truth;

Now I know for the first time what to say



Chorus:

Is this what I get- for believing you

Is this what I get for knowing the ruse

It is what I found after I heard my heart screaming the blinding truth



My heart will stay forever;

You'll never kill the messenger

---



Note: the phrase is actually "shoot the messenger" and not "kill", but the latter seemed more appropriate somehow.

Well, leave your COMMENT below.

Because I REALLY need to know your opinion, no matter if it's good or bad.

In the final chorus, i would advise changing to "this is..." it would add some emotion and growth to the piece. Overall, very very good! i would love to hear a tune to this!

I like this. It would be cool to hear it, it sounds like the kind of song I sometimes get stuck in my head. Great Job!

Thanks you two!

Goodmorning -- This is cute & catchy. I like the overall piece because I think catchy is what you were going for. If not well then thats what the audience (like a me) feels about it ;D I'm a big fan of your word choice/verse control. In the first verse you have "Don't" in there three times. What I would suggest is making that the hook before the chorus and then making the verse a little longer. If you would like for me to allaborate (because I suck at explaining things over quickreply) then PM me i'll be happy to help. I really enjoyed this and I think you could do great things with this piece.

Sure...Thanks a lot!

This is really good and I loved Kill the messenger instead of shoot XD

Thanks a lot, Nightgoddess!

Hello Alpha! I'm here to review, as requested. I'm warning you now, I don't hold back. I am harsh-ish. As harsh as I can be without beating myself up about being so mean. xD

Alpha wrote:Verse1: 

I'm wide awake and I can't see the sunlight coming through; 

Can't remember the last time you told me the truth; 

Don't know how I have gone to believe in you; The grammar for this, both spoken and unspoken, is improper. Given, you can say "Don't know" to begin lines rather than "I don't know", that's excusable, however "I have gone to believe in you" is both wrong and wrong sounding.

Don't know how I fell to the arms of the dark; 

Don't know what lies beyond, can't find a spark; 

This entire verse is cliche. Admittedly, I like the line "I fell into the arms of the dark", but it too has been done before. The whole idea of not seeing the sunlight, the subject of the song having lost your trust, not being able to find a spark...overdone. There are many ways you could try to convey the same message but go about it in a more original way. For example, I'm a sucker for metaphors and imagery. So I tend to write my songs in such a way that people have to think about what I'm talking about or find their own meaning in my words. Try adding more emotion into this, so that the readers feel it as they read, rather than the lines being nice to look at but seemingly empty.

Alpha wrote:Chorus: 

Is this what I get for believing you 

Is this what I get for knowing the ruse 

It is what I found after I heard my heart screaming the blinding truth

Again, this is a bit cliche, and the statements are general. I blame the lyricists who overuse them. If you really think about it, the last line is a great use of personification, and a great line in general. People don't see that, though - they only see the overused line. Come up with other lines as brilliant as that one (but actually original!) and you'll be fine.

In the second line, you sorta contradict yourself - you believed him, yet you knew the ruse? Perhaps a world such as "discovering" or, better yet, "unveiling" would work better.

Alpha wrote:Verse 2:The light has come; But the clouds are hiding the sun; 

The day's begun; How can I from such a thing run? 

I now know how I went on and held you

First line = cliche. (I don't blame you; coming up with original material is very, very difficult, especially in songwriting.) You don't go into depth regarding line two, which is confusing to the listener. Why are you/the narrator running from the day? Or trying to? Or deciding you can't? It isn't even clear the question you're asking yourself, let alone for what reason. As for line three, that seems thrown in there and irrelevant.

The length is quite...short. Three lines. The first verse was five lines, the chorus four, the second verse three. Notice anything? It's getting shorter. Five lines is short for a verse already; three is very, very meager. If the chorus was longer it would be acceptable, but the chorus, too, is short.

Alpha wrote:Chorus: Doesn't need to be reviewed twice.

Bridge: 

I have known; My heart has told me so; 

Why don't you kill it forever? 

I have always known; My heart has told me so; 

So will you kill the messenger? 


I have known; I always knew; 

But from it I turned away; 

& now that I realize the truth; 

Now I know for the first time what to say

 

This is like what I told you before about contradicting yourself. You always knew, you always knew...if you always knew, you wouldn't have realized it, and if you knew but were telling yourself otherwise (which is what I would assume due to second stanza, line two) mention it in a verse. It also makes the verses more relevant. Two birds with one stone, eh?

Alpha wrote:Chorus: Again, one review for this baby is enough.

My heart will stay forever; 

You'll never kill the messenger

Cute, simple and defiant. I have no new nitpicks for this one. ^^

Overall, work on flow, originality, and length. I should also mention that the moment you told me to review your two songs, "Kill the Messenger" and "You're Gone", the former made me think of this song because it has the same title. xD

Well, I hope I helped, save that last bit of information that wasn't really relevant at all!

>>Annie<<