Young Writers Society

This is the latest song I wrote, but it's not really new. I actually forgot when I wrote this. Probably, last year. Anyway, I'm not really good with writing songs, especially with putting music to them. I hope you like and understand its meaning. xD It's really short but it's sang slowly.

The song is actually about idleness - how people lie down in their beds, forget about things, have random thoughts, fall to sleep, have dreams, forget them, so on and so forth.

Listen - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OeFA7Th97OI

Hi, Twin. I'm so slow. Anyyyy, I'm here.

I'm listening now on youtube.

Nice one here, bro! O_o With some tweaks this can end up on radios. Yup. I kind of think that it's some background theme for a sad, romance movie. Awww...it's sad. Anyway, I can't get over my musical impulse, I wanna add violin to it. LOL If only I have the time. Okay, here goes my review. Keep in mind that I'm reviewing this as words...

Pillows lying on this bed of mine

Just like willows standing quietly in time

I so love this. I'm a fan of figurative language nicely put in place in a song.

Butterflies flitting by your bed
Telling you that life will never end
End

This, I'm not so sure of. It was kind of a skip. 'Cause we were at your place, and you skipped over to "her" telling us about that girl's place without any warning. I suggest add more to what it feels like in your place. What where you feeling by that time. Put a transition.

Sparrows soaring the wide cerulean sky
Seems like tomorrow, there is no anguish and goodbye

(Chorus 2)
Ladybugs crawling on the ground
Living life and making silent sounds
-ounds, -ounds, -ounds

This is nice. Except for the --ounds; I suggest that as "Oh..." Or just don't put the '--ounds..'

Empty thoughts of the mind
Forgetting, leaving things behind

This is a good bridge. It gives us more sense of what the song is about.

Pillows can cause you to forget
Pianos dark like the moonset

I have no ides what the highlighted line's purpose is. I couldn't find the connection. There's something missing. Be careful when using figurative language. It can sound forced and ruin your song.

Okay, plus, the "moonset" totally stops the flow. Even though you've coined this (which is nice by the way), the way it would be pronounced is moon'-set; whereas, in the song, the stress was on "set". Find a way to make flow there. Wrong stress in songs can annoy listeners. The only thing I can suggest here to keep the word is to play with the melody.

Honeybees buzzing 'round the trees
They say to you that nothing is amiss
Butterflies flitting by the stairs
Telling you that you won't have nightmares
-ares, -ares, -ares

Here we have the stress problem again. It's night'-mares, not night-mares' So, as I've told you, the only solution I can think of is play with the notes. It can be good. 'Cause that would be adding to the melody. Just be sure not to be exaggerated with playing. Just a simple variation to the notes.

Overall, this is nice. I'm shocked. You've improved a lot since the time I read one of your poems. You're better of a song-writer, boy. Keep it coming! L-D Nice one. ) PM me if I didn't make any sense.

~ Twin ♥

P.S. You owe me a nomination here. Hahaha...kidding.

And oh, about the melody. There were also "skips", like the intro and the stanza. So yeah. You can improve that. It's not such a problem.

oooo i thought this was a happy bit of lyrics until i reach the ending and it seemed to have a dark ending i loved the music that seemed to be forming in front of my eyes and it gives it a good literary device and that will get notice by anyone who would read this, i really enjoyed it and found out that i was singing it in my head HA! just at every end of a sentence put a comma so i know it carries on sorry if this ruins the whole affect to your lyric, this all so draws me in to it and makes me imagine what it would be like and what was going on through your head when you were writing this i just really like it and it gives me a sense of warmth until i got to the end of course but besides that i think it's good to read!

I really loved this and can seriously imagine it being sung.
I think the structure is correct, for as you said, being sung slow. It makes me smile at the imagery.
However, I do think another verse could be used just to expland the feeling.

there is no anguish and goodbye

I'm not sure why but this really stood out to me, and I would really love to hear it with music if you ever get the chance to put it online

Thanks for the reviews, guys! I just found out after Charlie101's review that the last part had a mistake! >.< I edited it now.

Theres not much to say other than i really really like this.
The imagery and the continued theme of wildlife, i dont know it just makes you feel peaceful and relaxed.
this is really good, you should do more

Agreed; I am very impressed by the imagery. It is simple; yet very well structured.

Keep up the good work!

I can't believe how much I babbled. :p

I don't know you if you listen to him, but these lyrics remind me of Adam Young, very colorful and kinda flamboyant. I might suggest that you could make your first verse a little longer before you go into the first chorus, but i liked the structure overall and your word choice conveyed imagery. Good Lyrics!

Whisperer wrote:...about the odd word repetitions, I want them there! They add to the supposed 'darkness' of the song.

Haha... OK, OK... I get it. Though I don't think it's necessary to put it up in the lyrics. XD Just sing it when you sing it.

The 'Pianos, dark like the moonset' actually has a connection the rest of the song 'cause, first of all, the music's in piano (xD), and second, pianos have a soft sound which connects to the actual meaning of the song.

Nice, nice. You have justified it, so just ignore what I said.

The song is actually about idleness - how people lie down in their beds, forget about things, have random thoughts, fall to sleep, have dreams, forget them, so on and so forth. (Okay, I'm gonna add this to the song post xD to make things clear.)

Very, very good.

I'm going to share you something I've learned in the years of my songwriting experience: In a song, you can't actually argue with the songwriter! Yes! It's true. When a reviewer has found a "hole", as long as the writer can justify it, the reviewer is always wrong. =D/ That also applies to poetry by the way. Songs like this, with beautiful imagery and stuffs, are just hard to review, especially when the reviewer cannot relate to it and couldn't feel its real meaning.

I remember what one songwriter wrote in one of the songwriting books I've read. I can't remember her name though. And I can't remember exactly what she has said, but I'll try to rephrase it. She said, when someone could relate to a song, that song is for him/her. In this case, this song isn't for me, 'cause I can't relate to idleness. O_o I'm too active.

Anyway, a review for lyrics should be objective. But I can't be objective now, so sorry for a poor review. 'Cause I really like this. Though you have to consider the skip in the melody. Between the stanza and the chorus, it was a total shocker. It was too abrupt. Make a transition there or something. It was something in the arrangement maybe. But I know you can fix that! Fix it, OK?

So, that's all for now. I'm going to say it - like I always do in reviews, because no matter how many mistakes or negative comments I have, I never want to discourage anyone even how honest I can be - KEEP WRITING, Twin! Please do consider my constructive criticism in the melody. It's a bit of a shocker, trust me. XD

~ Jash ♥

--> Hello! like your composition anyway! Astig! ahaha! That's all- I hope you'd compose more!!

I didn't really care much for it. Also, I could barely understand what you were saying on the youtube video.