Young Writers Society

*i can't believe how he unknowingly inspires me.


I.
I see you there, I lose all my control
So unaware, but you're so beautiful
The way you talk, you do so skeptically
The way you walk, you know you're always making me


[refrain]
Fall so much deeper in love
I can never let go
So much harder to breathe
Don't you ever know?


[chorus]
Three, two, one, I come undone
I'm falling fast enough, so would you catch me?
Stop and stare, as if you care
Please take time to see what you mean to me


II.
You never change, you know you're so wonderful
So stay the same, 'cause boy you're so beautiful
The way you smile, you manage so perfectly
Just for a while, you shine and then I know that I

[refrain]
[chorus 2x]

I'm sorry to have to say this but it seems a bit cliche.
Especially the refrain and the chorus.
The verses are good though, I espcecially like this bit:

telle_04 wrote:I see you there, I lose all my control
So unaware, but you're so beautiful
The way you talk, you do so skeptically

I know you're writing from the heart but if you could just find another way to express your feelings other than words others have used so many times before. Lines such as:

telle_04 wrote:I can never let go
So much harder to breathe

telle_04 wrote:I come undone
I'm falling fast enough, so would you catch me?

are just so overdone.
But other than that, well done and keep writing!

This definitely has a lot of cliche-ness to it but I don't know, I actually do like some parts of it. It really has potential.

One line I really like is:

Three, two, one, I come undone

It like the way it sounds but the problem is it is followed by a lot of cheesy bits. If you edited those a little bit I really think this could be a good song.

I find it bit cliche all round. It's not terrible it's just a bit thin. I think if something like this is going to be the entire premise for your song then, in order for it to be effective and original and memorable then you need to delve in deeper.

I would recommend listening to love songs to try and gauge a feeling for what I mean and to try and find new and fresh ways of saying what you mean, examples:

Leonard Cohen - Ain't no cure for love,
"I see you on the subway, I see you on the bus,
I see you lyin down with me, I see you waking up.
I see your hand, I see your hair,
Your bracelet and your brush.
I call to you, i call to you,
But I don't call soft enough
There ain't no cure,
there ain't no cure
There ain't no cure for love."

or something like "when you say nothing at all" - Alison Krauss.

"all day long I can hear people talking about,
but when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd."

Just original ways of reflecting on the love. If you try to think about someone you love and think about what we you translate that your head on a daily basis, how you recognise it and try and follow that into lyrics then it will feel realer, people will be able to relate in a bigger way. Sorry if it sounds like I'm talking total nonsense btw lol.

Goodmorning -- Sorry for such a quick reply but the title just drew me in. I read your piece...then read the comments.
I see it as this, There are two types of lyrics. 1) Those deep lyrics that peuple love to hear because they're so meaningful. & 2) The songs on the radio that are catchy&cliche and you can't get them out of your head. I see you as more in second catagory. Which isn't a bad thing. Yes, your piece is dripping for teenage girl puppy love syndrome. Taylor Swift lyrics if I do say so myself. It's a cute song you hear on the radio. But why not expand on your love for this boy. Don't just say he's beautiful digg deep, embrace your emotions with a little soul searching. How does him not caring make you feel? What does his beauty do to you? (e.g. drive you crazy, lick your lips etc.) Why do you love him?

A good artist can write a million catchy cliche songs. A great one can go out of their catagory (or "comfort zone") and expand themselves.

XOXO
HaliiFaye

rl, sazza, and rockstar.

-thanks so much for the motivation! i appreciated it.
yeah, i've been thinking about changing the lyrics, something like that. i'll update soon.