Young Writers Society

I originally meant this to be a poem but then, you can give it a tune so I added it to the Lyrics forum. xD I hope you like it! Please review.

Merry Christmas!

Want me to review? I'll do it either way.

I liked it. I liked that you had a constant rhyme ending, "ee".

I also liked the repetition, it worked. (sometimes it doesn't in my opinion, but it did here).

But some of the words didn't fit all too well in my humble opinion.

Examples:

"Yummy"
"Stories"

I believe they don't work because the "beat" isn't the same. Know what I mean? These words have their intonation on the second last syllable, whereas "Romantic'lly" is intonated "RomANtic'lly".

Oh well, that's just me, but lovely to see a Christmas poem on Christmas eve.

Best wishes to you.

Hey, Whisper! I'm here to review!

So again, I'm not the greatest when it comes to reviewing poetry or lyrics but since you so kindly asked for my services, I am here. :3

That said, there were a few things I noticed about this piece. First of all, it was very telly. I wish you gave some more emotion and warmth into it. It showed something classic but it was missing that little bit of firelight that makes it warm and christmas-like. Secondly, I noticed that you said 'shushed all the bees' and I'm wondering why in the world there would be bees during the winter time. You might want to change that for something else.

The poem was quite nice though, I liked how you went through the day little by little and created a sort of story out of it. Nice going! Sorry if this review isn't very helpful, I'm just not sure what approach to take here. >.> Anyway, I'm glad you're doing more lyrical poetry stuff, you seem to be pretty good with it. ^^

-Pink

Hey there twin! Twin here to do a review. (LOL) This is random. Anyway, you probably have a feeling that I'm a total critic when it comes to lyrics. Guessed well, you're right! XD But I won't be that harsh--really; 'cause the first thing I'd noticed when I'd read this is it was meant to be simple.

Okay, honestly, I think this should be a poem. I think It'd be kind of hard to put it in a decent tune. Maybe just for me. And I really thing it should be a poem instead. (LOL) Now that being said (and repeated), I'll be starting the review, like, right--now.

At the Evening of Christmas, they went outside to see
the Fireworks, high above the sea.

Nothing grammatical wrong, but the homonyms are quite annoying. =( Just a tad. XD

At the Evening of Christmas, none would disagree
The People are all just happy.

Okay, so as I've gathered: It's simple.

At the Evening of Christmas, they kissed romantic’lly
Their Partners were all that they could see.

At the Evening of Christmas, they came inside to see
the Meals that looked so yummy.

There should be, like, thousands of words ending in the sound of "eeeee..."; and repeating see three times kinda feels like you were a bit lazy looking for other words to rhyme.

At the Evening of Christmas, they gathered quietly
and sat down to share their Stories.

At the Evening of Christmas, they gave their money
to Children who smiled so greedily.

Okay, this is so true. HAHA!

And I'm not going to quote the whole ending, because I'd just repeat myself and I didn't find any grammatical errors or so. Though I'd like to comment on these two lines:

At the Evening of Christmas, a joyful melody
was heard even by the Lonely.

I know the adjective is fine; it refers to "lonely ones". But somehow it seems lacking... I couldn't pinpoint what, but it feels like it couldn't stand on its own. Like it needs a noun, or so. I know that'll spoil the rhyme, so you'll be twisting your brains here. XD

And:

I kept myself to me....

I just find that line confusing.

Okay, the thing that it lacks, in my opinion, don't take me seriously, it's just what I think and it doesn't matter anyway, is appeal? It sounds like you were trying to rouse children around you. It also lacks good imagery: You have to bring up specific images to arouse certain feelings; choose more precise words, I guess. You kept on repeating "At the Evening of Christmas", and I think that adds to the annoyance a reader might have while reading it.

Twin, please, please don't get mad at me for saying that. All I wanna do is help. Being honest is help. I know you can do it! You can spice this up! We'll always be here to help you with your writings. You actually really did a pretty good job. =)) All the best! Keep writing! And a belated blessed Christmas!

If you have any questions, if anything didn't make any sense to you, you know I'm a wallpost away.

~~ Twin ♥

Great song. I barely have anything to say about it but great work. The peice itself is a little bit neat for a few lyrics and you use the words "Evening of Christmas" Quite a lot. Others might agree to disagree but it didn't look like you had it put together well. A 50 point performance. Good job.