Young Writers Society

*because i really miss him..and i'm playing with rhyme.*

I.
You hummed out a sweet, sad note
Then took out a pen and wrote and old familiar quote
There was no sound, you looked around and now you have found
That you're all alone, you're far away from home
Silently you drift to me but it's just a dream
I wish you were here, so come back to me dear

[chorus]
I'll whisper your name
As I lay down tonight beneath the pale moonlight
You came to me in reverie, but it felt so real
When you held me tight against the cold last night
And when you stood to turn out the light
You kissed me goodnight

II.
You walked on the sandy shore
The morning was fine with you, but I know you miss me too
And though you're gone, you cannot run from what you have done
I'll be wearing blue, still I'll wait for you
Silently you drift to me but it's just a dream
I wish you were here, so come back to me dear

[chorus]
I'll whisper your name
As I lay down tonight beneath the pale moonlight
You came to me in reverie, but it felt so real
When you held me tight against the cold last night
And when you stood to turn out the light
I saw the stars losing their flight
But you told me that we'd both be alright
And you kissed me goodnight

Hey,

The Lyrics sounds like they should be sung by someone like Taylor Swift. They are quite good love-ish lyrics. No critisms for them, but at the same time, they are not too different from anything that has come before. Just a thought.

Keep it up.

~Retro Disco666

You have a very beautiful way of writing. I like it alot.
Your lyrics almost tell a story and it could be such a beautiful song with the right music.
I like. Keep writing

I liked the imagery in these lyrics a lot. It gives the audience something to think about instead of just complaining about your heartbreak. I appreciate the poetry of this piece; thanks for sharing. If you ever record it, let me know! I'd like to listen to the music behind it. My only suggestion is that you might not need all of the rhymes; I'm not a huge fan of having too many "night"/"flight"/"light" rhymes because they sound nasal in songs. When you sing, rhyme may be less necessary, but it's your call. I like this piece regardless.

good cop says:
very good and descriptive I like it would be good to music
bad cop says :
it seemed more like a poem than a song and I dont see how it can bee sung

retrodisco666 wrote:Hey,

The Lyrics sounds like they should be sung by someone like Taylor Swift. They are quite good love-ish lyrics. No critisms for them, but at the same time, they are not too different from anything that has come before. Just a thought.

Keep it up.

~Retro Disco666

hey retro.
first, thanks for dropping by and leaving a review. i really appreciated that.
second, yeah you're right. it's kinda love-ish. i write songs with the same theme, mostly when i'm lonely. however when i'm feeling happy i write something loud and disturbing and well, happy. but sometimes you can't tell the difference.

thanks for the motivation.

Christina44 wrote:You have a very beautiful way of writing. I like it alot.
Your lyrics almost tell a story and it could be such a beautiful song with the right music.
I like. Keep writing

thanks christina!
actually, most of my poems and songs before are freeverse because i don't very much like rhyme. however, i've read once that rhyming words can help people memorize faster. so i thought maybe i'd give it a try. and then, this is the result.

i very much like narrating when writing songs. i feel comfortable. thanks again.

elephantwalrus wrote:I liked the imagery in these lyrics a lot. It gives the audience something to think about instead of just complaining about your heartbreak. I appreciate the poetry of this piece; thanks for sharing. If you ever record it, let me know! I'd like to listen to the music behind it. My only suggestion is that you might not need all of the rhymes; I'm not a huge fan of having too many "night"/"flight"/"light" rhymes because they sound nasal in songs. When you sing, rhyme may be less necessary, but it's your call. I like this piece regardless.

thank you for the motivation, elephant.
i have no plans of recording it..yet. i don't know maybe sometime in the future. i'm not a singer anyway. just a writer.
yeah, you're right, i don't need too much rhyme in songs, but then again. it's my call. i mean, now that i'm using rhyme, i find it fun and comfortable. haha. thanks again.

this song sounds amazing with alot off feeling and stuff and i also think it sounds like someone like taylor swift should sing. x

It's great....if it get the right music, it'll be fantastic!

I think I reviewed another one of your songs, and I have to say I like this one much more. It feels more original and i love the first two lines the most.

jedigeek wrote:it seemed more like a poem than a song and I dont see how it can bee sung

I disagree with this. I think it would be great as a song, and it can be hard to imagine how songs would be sung when all you can see is the lyrics.
Great job!

hi, lily.
thanks for appreciating. of course we all have different ways of expressing ourselves, so i appreciate everyone's comment here. actually, i kinda disagreed with what jedigeek said, but he has his right to say such things.
have a nice day.
-telle.

This is a good arrangement, and I like your choice of lyrics. I don't know why, but when I was reading this it sounded to me like a vocal part for Brandon Flowers of The killers. I know that's just my interpretation, but these lyrics felt progressive to me, they could definitely be used in a band or a solo project.

Back again

I.
You hummed out a sweet, sad note
Then took out a pen and wrote and old familiar quote
There was no sound,you looked around and now you have found
That you're all alone, you're far away from home
Silently you drift to me but it's just a dream
I wish you were here, so come back to me dear

To me, you didn't really need that part I crossed out. And at times I like the double rhyme, but others I don't think fits, and distracts from the real meaning of the song.

II.
You walked on the sandy shore
The morning was fine with you, but I know you miss me too
And though you're gone, you cannot run from what you have done
I'll be wearing blue, still I'll wait for you
Silently you drift to me but it's just a dream
I wish you were here, so come back to me dear

I really liked this part. I thought it had great imagery.

Overall, I think you did a lovely job on this. The rhyming was very well done, except maybe a few spots, which felt a little bit unnecessary. I can easily see this being a song.
I don't have much else to critique, but keep writing because you obviously have a knack for making meaningful lyrics.
Have an awesome day!
~blacksheep

Hello.
This is a really inspiring song.
If this was a hit, i would listen to it all day.
Keep up the good work!