Young Writers Society

Okay, I wrote this today because I needed to get someone off my chest...anyways, it's to the tune of "Fair Fight," by the Fray, which I know is horrible, not writing my own music for it, but that song was in my head all day today and the poem came out sounding like it...not the same words, obviously, but you can sing it to that tune. So that's what the tune is.

P.S. I know I need to fix the "chorus" parts, the two-line parts, they sound a little dumb, at least the first lines of each, I think...so let me know if you have any suggestions for improvement there.


On a grey day I walked between the buildings
Smokers stood on the sidewalks with half-butts in their hands
Blowing smoke and dreams in streams of grey and broken
All too old to claim they cannot take a stand


I stare
and wish that you were there
We’re threadbare
and it’s just not fair


A high-rise tower standing tall on 59th Street
Only exists in dreams of golden days with you
I take a walk and talk about the old and gone days
But I don’t wanna remember and I don’t know what to do


In time
I thought that you’d be mine
In time
I know that I’ll be fine


Once I’ve known your hands and you have known my curves
And we have been lovers, it’s then I can’t forget
I go from sleep to wake and then I take a long nap
But my body remembers and I cannot help regrets


I stare
and wish that you were there
We’re worn bare
and it’s just not fair
In time
I thought that you’d be mine
In time
I know that I’ll be fine

So you need to group this better. Seperate the chorus, from the verses, from the etc. etc. It's hard for the reader to figure out what their reading.

Sorry! I did that on word...totally did not notice that it didn't stay that way on here! Thank you very much for pointing it out to me...off to fix it!

Hey, so this seems like a good sort of ballad type of song. I haven't heard the song by the Fray, but the lyrics on their own could be cool as an acoustic song.

I liked the first and third stanzas the best (the one about the smokers and the one starting with "59th street") because they had the strongest imagery and were the most evocative with the strongest emotion.

One thing, is that you repeat "I" a lot, and it works in places where it's used in emphasis like "I stare" , but sometimes it is just a little too repetitious. For example the line "I go from sleep to wake and then I take a long nap". The second "I" really doesn't need to be there. I hope that makes sense.

I think the overall theme of "time" works really well. Nice uplifting bit there at the end too.

haha I totally understand you. I understand that feeling when you need to kick the song of your chest! The idea of the song is very well done and the words are really good. Though the rythem went off sometimes. I know that lyrics go under songs but even withought the song your lyrics should have some kind of rythem. Though this song did have one, it wasent that strong. Please next time when you write lyrics and then re read them, try to create a stronger beat or rythem.