Young Writers Society

She never trips,
Only dances.
She can walk on ice,
Fire, water and glass.
Nothing will hurt her,
But maybe something will.
At last.

Why can't you see?
That girl is not me.
Why can't you see?
That girl is not me.----


A touch, a little feeling.
Something she does not want.
But I crave for each and everyday.
But cry as I will, and cry as she don't.
We aren't meant to be.---
Somewhere inside,
I know my true colors will show.
Somewhere inside,
I know I'm bleeding out again.---
But she won't let you see a thing.

Why can't you see?
That girl is not me.
Why can't you see?
That girl is not me.----
Oh..

How can I begin to tell myself,
Who I really am,
And it's not her----.
I know now, that I can't hide myself.
Hide myself from me.

Why can't you see?
That girl is not me.
Why can't you see?
That girl is not me.----
Oh..
Why can't you see?
That girl is not me.

Why can't you see, why can't you?
Why can't you see she's not me?
At all----.

The dashes ended up getting on my nerves, I'm not going to lie. Especially with the periods. It was also a bit repetitive, but it's very emotional and I like that. It seems to be very personal and honest.

Hi!
Your poem was good but I do agree with the points that the previous review made that it got a bit repetitive and the dashes were annoying which meant I was distracted from the message you were trying to communicate in you poem. I got a bit confused with part of your idea but I think the way it makes sense to me is how you intended and if thats the case then it was pretty good. The best thing about you piece is that it certainly showed a lot of emotion and insight to another side to the typical, 'cliche' love poem. Well done and best wishes for future poetry
~Blossom xx

Look at any real song's lyrics on a website.

Are there dashes? Never. They drove me crazy to no end.

Periods you see sometimes, but now a whole lot.

Now that I'm done with that, I really liked your lyrics. The chorus seemed a bit short, though. I definetly could connect with your lyrics. But I still really lked it.

Have a writerful day!

Kay

Yes I agree, the dashes do p me off

The context of this piece of art kinda reminds of Madonna's She's Not me

Overall, it sounds just like a cliché of what a girl would think of another girl who hasn't got any visible flaws, like Kate Nash's [i]Kiss that Grrrl[/i}

Yes I agree, the dashes do p me off

The context of this piece of art kinda reminds of Madonna's She's Not me

Overall, it sounds just like a cliché of what a girl would think of another girl who hasn't got any visible flaws, like Kate Nash's [i]Kiss that Grrrl[/i}

Yes I agree, the dashes do p me off

The context of this piece of art kinda reminds of Madonna's She's Not me

Overall, it sounds just like a cliché of what a girl would think of another girl who hasn't got any visible flaws, like Kate Nash's [i]Kiss that Grrrl[/i}

sorry for the multiple replies

Blift wrote:Yes I agree, the dashes do p me off

The context of this piece of art kinda reminds of Madonna's She's Not me

Overall, it sounds just like a cliché of what a girl would think of another girl who hasn't got any visible flaws, like Kate Nash's [i]Kiss that Grrrl[/i}

Actually, it's nothing like that.

Well, I feel the dashes weren't a problem, they added to the flow and how it went along. To truly analyse lyrics you must sing it or it to be sung in your head, 'cause lyrics are for that whole purpose. But yeh, I loved this piece very much and singing it more. The whole blues feeling and being able to sing it with a silky voice gave it a charm amongst the tale to the story. I don't think it's about being compared to another girl, more of being compared to what people want you to be(but that's just what I'm reading off of it). Keep up the writing!

Jake

I really like it.. minus dashes.. you are very soulful. this describe how most girls feel every now and again.. i absolutly love it. makes me feel a very nice connection (:

MikaFreak123 wrote
Actually, it's nothing like that

Actually it is. You should listen to Kiss that Grrl, I bet you don't even know it.

I really liked it, i think the dashes helped me understand the rhythm of the song and the way you wanted it to go. It has lyrics that a lot of people could relate to in a personal way, I love songs that i can interpret to my own meaning, and this was definitely like that.

well done, keep on writing lyrics, you have a talent for it

i like the song and i love the motive. soooo true

I wonder if you intend to sing the "Why can't you see" part like Tyler Swift or something. For some reason when I read that part of the song I was thinking of the Tyler Swift song. Anyway, indeed it was repetitive, but it didn't suck or anything. It's not entirely original, in that there are a variety of songs similar and I get that old cliche' feeling when reading it.

And about the dashes...

Who cares!!! The dashes didn't bother me at all. I just overlooked them.