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Young Writers Society


This is Where I am Now



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22 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 22
Mon Feb 12, 2007 2:28 am
Kinsley says...



Although this is my first song I've ever written, I would really like to know what you think of it. It goes in the book I'm writing so I need to know if it's any good or not. I'm also not sure if songs use puncuation but oh well.


This is Where I am Now

Looking back now
All I see,
Are the memories
Forever haunting me

[Increasing Beat]

(Chorus)
But look at me now,
Here I am;
Standing right before you

This is me,
In the flesh;
Standing right beside you

This is where
I am now
(End Chorus)

[Original Tempo]

Might as well
Be a slave
For you treated me
No,no,no
Differently
But who's to say
I'm not your equal?

[Increasing Beat]
[Electric Guitar Solo]

(Chorus)
But look at me now,
Here I am;
Standing right before you

This is me,
In the flesh;
Standing right beside you

This is where
I am now
(End Chorus)

[Repeat Chorus]
[End Song, Fade Out]
Last edited by Kinsley on Sun Feb 18, 2007 7:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
To M.J.,

I hope you can forgive me,
Though I'll never forgive myself.
Until again, my friend
  





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Mon Feb 12, 2007 2:34 am
Siam says...



Okay song. Not bad, but it reminds me of going back to a high school reunion as a very rich (also good looking) lawyer or doctor. Also try to expand on the idea. Most of the song is chorus and the last two stanza that isn't chorus don't seem as well though out. They illustrate your point but seem to have been thrown together in a hurry just to finish the song. I don't know, that's just my opinion. Not bad though...
"It is better to hope than to despair; To love than to hate;
To question than accept; To be strong than weak;
To do something rather than nothing; To live than to die;
To be free than be bound"
Yours truly, Siam
  





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368 Reviews



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Mon Feb 12, 2007 4:43 pm
Shine says...



I pretty much liked it.I liked the topic on which the song was based on and you were clear and specific to the reader how the song is going to flow out.But I would suggest to expand it a bit.like Siam says:
Also try to expand on the idea. Most of the song is chorus and the last two stanza that isn't chorus don't seem as well though out. They illustrate your point but seem to have been thrown together in a hurry just to finish the song.


I totally agree with him.Try working on this and the song can be really good.

Keep up the good work.

~Ani~
"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh.
  





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Fri Feb 16, 2007 10:41 pm
niteowl says...



I agree that the idea should be expanded. The verses as they stand are quite vague. And the "geeky dork" line? Has to go. You can rephrase the idea in a more interesting way.

I do like the chorus, if you flesh out the verses a bit more.
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

<YWS><R1>
  





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22 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 22
Sun Feb 18, 2007 7:56 pm
Kinsley says...



I originally had it without that stanza but it seemed like I had too much of chorus so I put it in there. Personally I like it better my original way.
To M.J.,

I hope you can forgive me,
Though I'll never forgive myself.
Until again, my friend
  





User avatar
368 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1125
Reviews: 368
Mon Feb 19, 2007 10:18 am
Shine says...



Thats great!u don't neccesarily have to change it.:)
"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh.
  








Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
— Miles Kington