Young Writers Society

I'm staring out my window,
Watching the moon roll out,
Watching and waiting,
For the rain to all die out.

I take a walk outside,
Listen to the water fly,
I open up my arms to the sky,
And I cry out for my life.

CHORUS

Can you see,
The rain,
Running with my tears?
The splashing trees?
Pounding with my fear?

Those happy memories,
have all but washed away,
With the pending thunder,
With the dreary,
Falling with the damaging rain.

END CHORUS

It seems like just yesterday,
The sun was shining down one me,
I looked at you and I felt ok.
I had my dreams then,
They weren't taken away.
If had just asked for me,
We all would have been ok.

CHORUS

The pitter of my dreams,
The patter when they shatter,
The rain is falling down on me,
And breaking each memory,
As it falls, down, falling on me.

Im looking up at the sky,
A clear eye of the storm,
A misinterpreted sunshine,
Oh let the rain pour, on me.

I'd say, for starters, you REALLY need to get a flowing structure. If this were a free verse poem it'd be fine; however, in a song that will be performed well, it is essential for a somewhat structure remaining somewhat consistent throughout - only changing for the chorus.

The inconsistency of the length of each stanza will kill it if you ever try to perform this one. For instance, your two opening stanzas (or verses) are three lines each, the first chorus stanza is six, and the second chorus stanza is five. Try to get some consistency throughout the song.

A few minor errors here and there such as lines not making sense. IE: "Can you see the rain hard running down my back?" and (maybe this was intentional) there is an oxymoron in there that I don't think really fits: "But I'm ok/ But I'm ok/ Do you think I will survive?" Just doesn't really seem to fit being assured you're okay and then asking if you'll survive. Maybe that was intentional - I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that one.

I think you've got a decent start, but a good ways to improve.

I LOVED the first verse, but then it started to unravel. "The rain hard running down my back" makes no sense. Take out the "hard" and it works. I also agree that more consistency would help. I might put some of the chorus lines together so you can make it one stanza. Personally, I find two-stanza choruses annoying, but maybe that's just me.

the pittering of my dreams
the patter when they shatter

I really liked that lines. Overall, not bad!