Young Writers Society

We were in it too fast.
Our brakes started skidding,
I'm holding onto you.
Your face won't stop spinning.

We were out of power,
Out of mind,
and desire.
Floating on this tugboat here,
Our ship had sank,
the message's clear.

CHORUS

The train had stopped,
The car had jammed.
The traffic's gone,
Now what's your plan?

You kept me up,
with your lies,
Some old devise, some reprise,
I slammed the breaks,
and there you go,
Flying out the window,
Your fingertips will touch the sky,
When I agree...

CHORUS

And now it's just me and the Beemer.
I'm driving down that dusty road.
You're gonna have to hitchhike from here.

More people will read and critique this if you capitalize your 'I's and add some punctuation.

-elein

I agree with her, and also proofread. "to" instead of "too" and "stoped" instead of "stopped" just in the first stanza.

The idea works, but some parts are a little confusing.

"but kept on going
but not as steady"

I think this would work better if you took out the first "but".

we go we lost
we went we saw it
and we broke off the tracks and and

So every verb in this part is past-tense except for "go". Don't bother changing it to "went" (you use that in the next line). Find a verb that works better. Maybe "played" since you mentioned losing?

Anyway, there's a good idea behind this, but it needs some cleaning up. It's really hard to critique at the moment. Keep writing!