Young Writers Society

I see hot air balloons,
Being popped by sky needles.
Little kid cartoons,
Singing songs by the Beatles.
Maybe it's morphine,
Or maybe you make me spiral down.

Parades are marching through,
The column of my spine.
Little girls jumping rope,
With elongated grape vines.
Some kind of emotion,
Is trying to run me out of town.

Chorus:
But I'm treading water,
In a frozen lake.
Where fossilized fish,
Mourn their mistakes.
And I regret my own,
But I have risks to take.
So cure my hypothermia,
And learn to appreciate.

I see city buildings,
Bending at all angles.
Silly swimming pools,
Shaped like triangles.
Maybe it's an illusion,
Or maybe you make me go insane.

The stars are swirling,
As if ballroom dancing.
The sounds around me,
Are steadily enhancing.
I might be crazy,
Or maybe you cause all my pain.

Repeat Chorus

Look what you do to me!
Look what you do to me.
I'm at your mercy.

Random, but nice. The rhythm is good, and the rhyming. I particularly like the first verse. I thought it got more nonsensical and less powerful as it went along, and the verse about the stars swirling should be changed, though I'm not sure how or in what way. I wish I could hear the tune that goes with it (I assume it's a song?) as that can often make a big difference, make some things stand out more than others, make rhymes more lyrical or rhythms more pronounced. Still, as a poem it's very nice.

This is a very nice poem, and song? I liked the rhyme and rhythm to it. I also liked the details you described in the chorus. Good job!

I agree with BFG but your ending stood out extremly well. Nice job! Your words were cleaverly chosen. It seems like a lot of people can relate to your song.