Young Writers Society

Here I am,
Standing at your doorstep
wishng the rose in my hand hadn't died
petal by petal
each one falls down as if its a cloud in the sky
Dont you remember,
how you wanted everything
how i needed everything
how i cant understand why..
Here I am
here i am
here i am..........

it needs work but im working

Whats the tune? .

Yeah... does need work. Too short to be a song, but too long to be a cute little tune, all in my opinion of course...

I like you repeat Here I am for emphasis and the metaphor as if its a cloud in the sky.

I agree that we do need to know the tune to get a better feel for it. Also, correct your grammar and spelling mistakes. That will get you more critiques....Here goes:

Surfergirl wrote:Here I am,
Standing at your doorstep
wishing the rose in my hand hadn't died.
Petal by petal,
each one falls down as if its a cloud in the sky.
Don't you remember,
how you wanted everything,
how i needed everything,
how i can't understand why?
Here I am
Here I am
Here I am..........

I liked the concept, and I think that you have a lot of good thoughts, but I would add more to it, define a tune and work on those small errors. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Nicole

At this point, it's a very nice poem, instead of song lyrics... I would suggest you have a sort of flashback and explain exactly what you needed and they wanted and why you still can't understand, etc...

Very powerful possibilites. Keep it up!