Young Writers Society

This pretty much explains how I feel...I just copied it from someone else...feel free to point your gun at me:

You\'ve created a really nice landscape for emotion-- the repetition and word choice both reflect that really well. However, I do have some thoughts as to how you could improve this:

I wanna curl up like a cat around you and just hold you tight.... Personally, I found this piece of imagery a little too weak to start out on. I think that you could use something more original and stronger visually in this part. If you imagine someone curling around someone else like a cat, it\'s a bit odd-looking, especially if the person being curled around doesn\'t want to be there, which seemed to be the case later on.
I wanna hug you and never let you go....
Shelter you from the darkness and keep you in the light... I would say that this line is stronger, and provides an excellent image and contrast. Great job.
Okay, quick note: ellipses used in this quantity kind of drive me insane. I think it\'s more of a pet peeve than anything else, but they make the person speaking (or writing, I guess) seem unsure of themselves and overly quiet. Like those people who have taken a lot of drugs in the past and just kind of trail off at the end of their sentences, spacing out on a piece of air mid-conversation. I don\'t mean that YOU\'VE taken a lot of drugs, that just what this tone reminds me of.

Just stay with me...
Just stay with me...
I\'ll keep you safe!

Again, ellipses. Also, the contrast of ellipses with the exclamation point is kind of odd sounding to me-- shouldn\'t the absence of an ellipse-thingy be enough to signify your emphasis?

The world\'s a scary place. Nice strong simplicity here-- good job, especially when coupled with the next line.
You and I both know that. The pause here kind of disrupts the flow. You were still in mid-sentence, were you not?
Because you\'ve been ripped away from me,
once before... The comma in the line above makes this line feel a little awkward. I was expecting a new idea, but this is just an extension. I think that you could take out the comma and perhaps even move this line up with the last.
So, just stay with me
and I\'ll keep you sheltered.

The repetition of \"stay with me and I\'ll keep your shelter becomes monotonous after a while. I think that you could either take out the stanzas that are built wholly of that, or take it out of the stanzas that provide more background imagery.


I don\'t want you to go away again.... Remember that ellipses only consist of three periods. Also, I think that in this spot, if you really wanted to create even more emotion, you could describe how difficult it was for them to come back-- you never really touch on that subject, how, or why, but I think it might add another layer.
I feel like I\'m gonna break apart, You could remove the comma here in order to make the rhythm smoother.
without you to hold me together....

I need you.
I know you,
probably, This line feels extremely awkwardly place; you could remove all the commas in this stanza and the rhythm would be much smoother-- as it is, I felt like my tongue almost tripped. Also, this stanza entirely changes the tone of the poem-- if they don\'t need you, why are you protecting them? You make it sound like your protecting them is an excuse to be near them, when you actually need protecting.
don\'t need me...

But,
I need you!
So,
please,
Just stay with me...
Just stay with me...
I\'ll keep you safe!
In a poem with a lot of repetition, I think it\'s always stronger to end as you did, so really nice job on that.



Overall:
Interesting piece. Very emotional, as I said. I think that if you played around with the rhythm a little bit, and maybe tried incorporating some more imagery, this would be a really strong piece. As-is, this is still nicely done. Great job!