Young Writers Society

This is my first ever song that I have tried to write. Your help would be greatly appreciated. And I hope you like it, too!

Why Can't You See?

Verse 1:
I followed you after school
Trying to wave you down.
But you think that you’re too cool
To ever speak to me.

Verse 2:
If you knew me from the heart,
You would understand how I feel.
When I saw you from the start
I knew I would never win you.

Bridge:
I don’t know if I can make it.
I don’t know if I can take it.


Chorus:
Why can’t you see
What you’re doing to me?
My love is fading away
I’ll never get to say
What you mean to me.
Oh why can’t you see?

Verse 3:
Every time I see your face
My heart breaks in to pieces.
You’re always in some place
When she’s with you.

Bridge:
I don’t know if I can make it.
I don’t know if I can take it.


Chorus

Verse 4:
But maybe someday
You’ll take the time to say hello.
And maybe one day
You will hold me in your arms.
Your arms.


Chorus:
Why can't you see
what you're doing to me?
You're stabbing my heart
and ripping it apart.
Can't you see it's killing me?
Why can't you see?

writ3rindisguis3 wrote: If you only knew me from the heart,
You would know what I’m going through.
When I saw you from the start
I knew I would never win.

i would rearrange and reword this to be:
"If only you knew me so well,
You would know what I'm going through in my heart
Ever since the start, ever since when i first saw you,
I knew I would never win"
that's just how i'd put it. kinda makes it sound a little better.

writ3rindisguis3 wrote:It’s a stab in the heart.
A splitting apart.

i don't exactly know but something about that part bothers me.
maybe change it to:
"it's like a stab in the heart
I'm splitting apart."

that's the best advice i can give.
great song besides those parts.
good job :-]

Could be organized better, the first two verses can be split and used later in the lyric specifically the second one. The chorus is a bit lengthy, typically you want to keep the chorus shorter than the verses for rhythm purposes (rule of thumb I learned was 4-6 lines for chorus excluding pre-chorus.). What did you mean by this line "I don’t know if can take it."? It has an odd pause between 'if' and 'can' that stops the flow dead. The rhymes used seem forced but that depends on the tune you would put to it, however I still think they are forced and simple. The repitition of 'your arms' at the end is very nicely done and adds a nice touch to the piece as a whole.

For the first time through you did pretty good, if you were going to work on something I would say work on your rhymes and vocabulary so the entire lyric would sound better and flow nicely. As it stands it is a good start, with some fine tuning you could have a fantastic piece here.

Looks a lot nicer and more organized now, easier to read this way (if someone were to listen to it, it would be a different story but as writing goes it should be easy to read). You still have the odd pause in the bridge with 'I don't know if can take it' I think you meant to add an 'I' inbetween 'if/can' but rushed through the bridge so you might have missed it. Your chorus is still stretching the length against the versus' but it is a lot smoother so it really doesn't matter, as well your end chorus can actually be an outro since you changed some of the main lines in the chorus to suit the end which would switch it from a chorus to an outro/break/bridge depending on if you wanted instruments to follow (outro=end, break=music, bridge=music to follow; at least to my understanding.). Glad I could help you, as well you did make some awesome improvements with just organizing it better.

Only improvement I can come up with now is write more and become familiar with different writing styles associated with lyrics, as well as expand your vocabulary to make your lyrics more intricate and majestic. I would keep this as is, it is a solid start to what can become a very fulfilling artistic direction.

How did this happen? That is exactly what happened to me in fourth grade.
The Tiger... I met someone who knew me that way.

Oh, I really like this song, like really like this. I can imagine the sour looks that girl gives that boy or that boy gives that girl. I really like this, no lie thats why I keep saying it. And this is the first song that you have ever written, i like it.

This was a pretty well written lyric for a first time lyric.

There also is not a "rule of thumb" when it comes to writing a lyric or chorus. I don't know where someone got the idea of that. Writing lyrics is to express certain feelings that an individual may have. For that reason there is no rule as to how it should be written because it's at the full control of the writer.