Young Writers Society

This is a work in progress, but I'm looking for feedback.


It’s Monday
Feels like Sunday
In this land
It’s finally time to let go of your hand
Daddy I'm a big girl and I can walk on my own
Just let me go
Let me go…alone

Its time I make my great escape
Its time I get out of this place
‘Cause daddy I’m big now
I’m not your little girl no more
I’ve got a lot in store for me
Don't you want to see who I can be?

Hello Misstoria,
The first thing I notice is that you placed this work under "Lyrics". I think that this would be more fitting under Dramatic Poetry. Why do I say this?

Just let me go
Let me go…alone

You used a dramatic pause, which I don't think would be fitting for a song. The entire piece seems like it would flow nicer as a recited poem rather than a song.
You should review punctuation in a few places, namely here:

Daddy I'm a big girl and I can walk on my own

There should be a pause and a comma after "Daddy".
Another thing is, I do not understand what you are getting at the first three lines. What are you trying to say? I read it several times and it does not make sense to me.

Hi

This is really sweet and it sounds like it comes from the heart.

I really enjoy it.

Maybe instead of leaving it pure and simple (which is great) you should try to make it more detailed and pad it out a bit. Just a suggestion.

Hope I helped

Keri
x

I so agree with all of the comments. This piece has be really confusing me with wether or not is should be a song, and why it begins the way it does. I very much appreciate the feedback.

Hi Victoria!

If you want this moved to poetry at any point, just let me know and I can help with that It does sound a little like lyrics though, but more like unfinished ones. I think what you have here is perhaps the base for a chorus and first verse, then you could work more into it...

Technicalities aside, I like this a lot. I think you're working with a theme that's popular but hasn't been done too much. I certainly can't remember the last time I heard a song about a daughter seeking her independence. Here's a few specific comments:

It’s Monday
Feels like Sunday [I love these two lines. I think it really conveys that awkward feeling of being late on in your life while just at the beginning. No kid really feels like a kid because they're as grown up as they're able to experience, so it does always feel like you're old already until you get that next step along.]
In this land
It’s finally time to let go of your hand [You should add a little puntuation. A full stop would be good here.]
Daddy I'm a big girl and I can walk on my own
Just let me go
Let me go…alone [Rhyming own and alone works really well. It's more subtle than the previous rhymes which makes it more powerful.]
Its time I make my great escape
Its time I get out of this place
‘Cause daddy I’m big now
I’m not your little girl no more
I’ve got a lot in store for me
Don't you want to see who I can be?

Some very nice lines here! I would like to see you expand it though and get more of a plot in there and a repeated chorus. Good work so far though,

Heather xxx

Your dad should only "let you go" when you turn 18 not at the age of 14..lol

I think it's really good.It's pretty simple though,but if you like it like that,keep it.It's very good.

very poetic and very strong in feeling. I like that you can put those type of things in words. That is what writing is all about. I like it. You should publish it.

i really like this song although it is very poetic and i was wondering if it would be better going into the lyrics poetry section

Hey misstoria,
I rather liked this. Thats all I really wanted to say.
Keep writing!