Young Writers Society

Hey, everyone.

This is the first rap that I've ever written, so I am looking forward to any and all criticism.

Here is the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21XO0mWtBlg

I didn't have very good recording equipment to work with so I apologize about the quality.

Here are the lyrics:

Sour Milk and Silver Honey - The Ein Sof

Intro (Come in at the acoustic guitar opening):

Yo.
I know it’s hard not to believe what you’ve been told your whole lives.
I know our people have constantly been at the mercy of monsters…
But be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one yourself.


First Verse (Come in on the second loop of the main beat):

It’s scary when you face a crisis of identity/
That prevents your mind from living in serenity.
When you feel like an outsider amongst your own kind.
Because even though everything in me is inclined/
To seek solidarity with them, whenever I speak my mind/
I get insulted and criticized and get called a self-hater/
A mix between Marcus Brutus and Darth Vader.
Because of my views they view me as a traitor.



Chorus (proceed immediately into the chorus from the verse):

You’re expected to support everything that they do/
As if not doing so will make you become less of a Jew.
They cry out the empty motto of “never again!”
While supporting the subjugation of children, women and men.
Human rights violations don’t become any less evil/
Just because they’re committed by your own people.

Jerusalem is known as the city of gold/
The land of milk and honey and it has been foretold/
That we will reclaim the holy land and rebuild our temple.
But is that temple really worth making a deal with the devil?
Replacing our highest values with military power/
The honey is dirty and I think the milk has gone sour.




Verse 2 (At the beginning of the first loop)

The Jews in America show a juxtaposition/
Between minority status and economic position.
Everywhere we’ve gone we’ve succeeded and prospered
Becoming Nobel scientists, business leaders and doctors.
There is still anti-Semitism; that’s no shocker/
But it’s not coming from the UN or Jimmy Carter/
Think what might drive a young man to become a martyr/
Before you claim that they should retaliate harder.

Remember the tale of Abraham destroying the idols?
It says not to value anything above God in the Bible.
And didn’t this same God say “thou shalt not kill?”
Do you really think bombing Gaza was part of His will?
Young children lying on the ground with blood spilled.
So before you cry anti-Semitism, Open your eyes.
You’re the oppressor not the victim , wake up guys!



Chorus (proceed immediately into the chorus from the verse):

You’re expected to support everything that they do/
As if not doing so will make you become less of a Jew.
They cry out the empty motto of “never again!”
While supporting the subjugation of children, women and men.
Human rights violations don’t become any less evil/
Just because they’re committed by your own people.


Jerusalem is known as the city of gold/
The land of milk and honey and it has been foretold/
That we will reclaim the holy land and rebuild our temple.
But is that temple really worth making a deal with the devil?
Replacing our highest values with military power/
The honey is dirty and I think the milk has gone sour.







Verse 3 (at the beginning of the first loop)

And I’m not spitting these rhymes to insult my own culture.
But we need to rise above this whole mess ‘cuz it’s vulgar/
How we support the same atrocities that happened to us/
And then defame every man who shows any disgust .
Any criticism will make us put up a fuss.
Abraham Foxman; if you’re against ALL defamation;
Then don’t ignore it just because it comes from our nation.


I’m making this song out of love for my Jews/
Because I want us to rethink, re-examine and renew/
Our system of values that we pass on to our children/
Because we simply can’t allow the deaths of six million/
Of our kind to be defiled with the deaths of civilians.
While we blindly open our wallets to give them more funding/
To perpetuate the never-ending cycle of suffering.




Chorus (proceed immediately into the chorus from the verse):

You’re expected to support everything that they do/
As if not doing so will make you become less of a Jew.
They cry out the empty motto of “never again!”
While supporting the subjugation of children, women and men.
Human rights violations don’t become any less evil/
Just because they’re committed by your own people.


Jerusalem is known as the city of gold/
The land of milk and honey and it has been foretold/
That we will reclaim the holy land and rebuild our temple.
But is that temple really worth making a deal with the devil?
Replacing our highest values with military power/
The honey is dirty and I think the milk has gone sour.

Hey msgold!

Like most lyrics, this probably sounds much better with the music. The way I put it though is that music is words that have sound to go with them, not words that need music to make them half decent. If the lyrics fail the music fails.

I do like these lyrics, especially the title and the whole idea of dirty honey and sour milk. It took me a while to understand what it was all about though, and I had to re-read it a few times. I'm guessing it's something to do with the war on Jeruselam?

Rap is a very blunt genre, so you need to be a bit more obvious about what you're talking about, and it takes a while for you to actually get to the point in this. Some of the rhymes seem quite forced too, which means in a rap you would only be able to fit them together if you plan on slurring your words - not a good idea.

I'm not an expert at rap, so I will point you in the direction of pod or linkin park, who can handle music whilst still maintaining a decent standard of literary quality. Stay away from eminem.

I really liked this a lot.

I felt like what you were talking about is shown really well through this. I also like the way you presented your material in that it is a little vauge and not the blunt and mega obvious culture that we see in rap today. A little metaphorical language never hurt anyone.

My one issue is that some of the rhymes seemed forced.

Exibit A:

I get insulted and criticized and get called a self-hater/
A mix between Marcus Brutus and Darth Vader.

I felt like you had nothing to rhyme, so you threw that in.

Besides that I really liked it.

Keep Writing,

Kay