Young Writers Society

Honestly, I was nervous about posting, and I still am. Honest reviews please?


If I told you something,

Something I’ve never said before

Would you listen?

Would you believe me?



If I walked through that door,

Would you stop and stare,

Bring me back, or

Let me go?



Now, we’re playing those little games,

And it’s the same thing everyday

And I’m sick and tired of the same old verdict

I’ll cry, and cry, and cry



It’s what I dream about at night

I wake up, wishing you were here beside me

It’s what I dream about

And I wonder if you think about me too



I have to know

What would you do,

If I told you this was your song

What would you do,

If this became our song





There’s something about tonight

Something that feels so very right

I can smell the whiskey,

Feel your lips on mine



It’s something I wasn’t sure about before

You smiled, and my world was electrified

Now I know

This is our song



I’m waiting for something to change,

I’m waiting for you to tell me what I want to hear.

I’m assuming you feel the same way I do





Everyday, it’s the same old story

Every night, it’s the same old thing

I wake up crying,

Waiting for you to pick up the phone



Now you’re back again

Everything is so, so different

I want you here with me

I want everything the same again





I have to know

What would you do,

If I told you this was your song

What would you do,

If this became our song





There’s something about tonight

Something that feels so very right

I can smell the whiskey,

Feel your lips on mine



I’m finally unafraid to say

That this is our song.

Hi, to be honest I find the poem quite cliche, it's nice but I have heard all the things you said so many times and I don't think that's your fault but it's always hard to write love poems and love stories without repeating what other people said so many other times.

I don't really like this sentence:

I’ll cry, and cry, and cry

With that statement us readers cannot really empathize with the author of the poem.

You should probably expand on this stanza:

There’s something about tonight

Something that feels so very right

I can smell the whiskey,

Feel your lips on mine

I don't think saying oh there is something about tonight ... helps, as a reader I need to get engaged and involved.

This stanza is really cliche:

Everyday, it’s the same old story

Every night, it’s the same old thing

I wake up crying,

Waiting for you to pick up the phone

I can;t even take count of the amount of times I read poems and stories repeating over and over again this same sentence.

I like this sentence:

It’s something I wasn’t sure about before

You smiled, and my world was electrified ...

I can actually picture and feel what the author is feeling.

Overall you should develop this poem much more, add more description to it , I mean what is it that makes this person so special? How do you feel when being around this person? Is it the way he looks at you, his eyes, or maybe his character, from what you wrote I couldn't really picture it . I think the flow is quite good but I don't see anything innovative or different.

Sorry if I seemed a bit harsh but you probably can improve more and I hope to read some more of your poems, as I previously said writing love poems is very difficult without being cliche.

Good luck
Iamnotperfect