Young Writers Society

This is not finished and i have to thank Elizabeth ten fold for getting me this far.

Intro
Creating confusion and publishing lies. Creating confusion and publishing lies.
[Softer] Creating confusion and publishing lies. (Fuck no!)

V1
The media rages, corruption in disguise,
Creating confusion and publishing lies.
The system is fool proof, at least that’s what they say.
Supposedly perfect, while worsening everyday"
Each day lives are destroyed (Are destroyed)
And every year hopes are lost.

BRIDGE
They call this the land of the free, (Yeah right!)
They call this the home of brave, (No way!)
They call this the place, where everyone is equal
But that really isn’t true… So fuck you!

CHORUS:
No order, just anarchy! No order, just anarchy! No order, just anarchy!
Creating confusion and publishing lies!
Empires falling from the skies!
The people, imprisoned, and getting out on bribes!
It’s true! Fuck you!
No order, just anarchy!

A little angry, no?

Well, I won't pass judgement on the thoughts expressed, for the simple reason that that's not the purpose of a writer's forum. I can critique your style and your grammar, but not your beliefs!

Actually, I really, really like the style of the poem. It reminds me very much of the structure of Demon Hunter lyrics, one of my favorite black metal bands, and the rhythm is right for that kind o thing. I could actually hear someone singing something to this beat. I also think the rhyming and the sounds were really well juxtaposed, smoothness usually an issue for most poets that isn't one for you.

Two edits:

"Empires are falling from the skies!" I think in this you have too many syllables. I know it seems weird, but I actually suggest striking out "the." "Empires are falling from skies!" seems to just, you know, BLAM, hit the point . . . I don't think the grammatical necessity of the word "the" needs to be adhered to in this moment, But you're free to disagree, of course.

And "The people, imprisoned, getting out on bribes" Getting out on bribes just seems . . . Verbose, I suppose. Kinda runs on a bit. So maybe spin it as "get out by bribes," or something. i think what's not working here is the "ing out" juxtaposed with the preposition . . . Fine in prose, but here in poetry, it feels kinda clunky.

Just some thoughts. But I like it, and I can't wait to see the final draft!

For what is there I really don't think I can add too much to what the person above me did. However, I'd just like to say that I totally agree with the meaning of the song.

I'm hoping that you'll have a band to perform this because in my mind, I can already hear the heavy metal guitar riff. I'd like to make a suggestion in a musical aspect before I get to the actual lyrical aspect. In the bridge, after the "that really isn't true," I'm hoping those dots signify a pause. If they do, I can just hear two rim shots from the drumset player and then picking back up on the riff. It's got great potential.

Anyway, on towards the actual lyrics. I'd like to make a quick suggestion at the end of the first verse, I'd suggest making the term "year" a shorter time period. With the anger in this song, I think it would serve a better purpose if you put "hour" or "day" in its place - that would make it seem like hopes are destroyed more frequently.

Where you have:

"The system is fool proof, at least that’s what they say.
Supposedly perfect when it worsens everyday. "

I would change it because the syllable format in the first line would through off the overall balance. I'd suggest changing it to this:

"The system is fool proof, or so they say.
Supposedly perfect, while worsening everyday"

Or something similar.

Also, on a personal note, the "like bees in a hive" part seems a tad off to me. It just creates an image of beauty in my mind. A bright spring day with bees busily working on their hive. I'd change the line to "The media rages, corruption in disguise." That way it's nearly the same amount of syllables and it still rhymes, but has a harder edge to it.

Hope I've been able to help in some way.

I understand all of this because Americas government is the worst to me even though I don't often say it. I just don't know where the music is. lol. I got the rhyming part, but it's never as fun without music so I had to create my own, probably not at all what you were going for because I have a little different mind, but when I played it that way the song really worked. YAY you!

Keep it up!
-Rieda

The great thing about this song is it's flexibility... I could see a more melodic punk band ripping threw this song on a stage, or a heavy metal band thrashing there guitars and screaming there heads off. Personally, I'd prefer the former, but that's up to you.
Also cool is the tightness of the song, the smoothness and rhythm which emphasizes the anger and rage. The style of the language is pretty simple yet effective, like all punk songs should be.

Now, the big problem I can see is probably the most obvious one: The whole thing is a bit clichéd. As we both know, there have been an awful lot of punk/hardcore songs that say the exact same thing that you say. In fact, songs like this have been written since the Sex Pistols. That's not a bad thing in itself, but I would suggest trying to say these things originally. Try metaphors and other devices, or your songs may get a bit dull.

Good work overall, though.

Its quite well done, and I enjoyed it thoroughly. However I would like to offer a few suggestions:

TheEccentricScribe wrote:
"Empires are falling from the skies!" I think in this you have too many syllables. I know it seems weird, but I actually suggest striking out "the." "Empires are falling from skies!" seems to just, you know, BLAM, hit the point . . . I don't think the grammatical necessity of the word "the" needs to be adhered to in this moment, But you're free to disagree, of course.

This is true, however, another way you could phrase this is...

CHANGE:

"Empires are falling from the skies!"

TO:

"Empires falling from the skies"


The second thing I’d like to add is…

Ending-Karma wrote:
Anyway, on towards the actual lyrics. I'd like to make a quick suggestion at the end of the first verse, I'd suggest making the term "year" a shorter time period. With the anger in this song, I think it would serve a better purpose if you put "hour" or "day" in its place - that would make it seem like hopes are destroyed more frequently.

Where you have:

"The system is fool proof, at least that’s what they say.
Supposedly perfect when it worsens everyday. "

I would change it because the syllable format in the first line would through off the overall balance. I'd suggest changing it to this:

"The system is fool proof, or so they say.
Supposedly perfect, while worsening everyday"

I agree with the first part of what is said about the “Time” issue, however, the second part I don’t agree quite so much.

"The system is fool proof, at least that’s what they say.
Supposedly perfect when it worsens everyday. "

Is perfect--except that I would change “everyday” to “each day” it also works the as "everyday" too.

If you changed

"The system is fool proof, at least that’s what they say.
Supposedly perfect when it worsens each day. "

TO:

"The system is fool proof, or so they say.
Supposedly perfect, while worsening everyday"

It becomes a bit “sing-song-y”

Keep up the good work!!

~Bard

I really like it when people express their opinions, no matter how often a similar opinion has been voiced. I definately love the rhythm and I can just hear heavy metal as I read. This song has great potential and I hope all that follows lives up to the beginning!
I think you should go with hour instead of year or even day -that makes it sound so much more terrible.
Bkwrm.