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rebirth (working title)



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22 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 965
Reviews: 22
Mon Feb 26, 2007 2:41 pm
darchoco says...



you think you're all alone,
like you were never known.
that there is no one there,
and no one even cares.

where's that smile that was known?
now only sadness is shown.
Your life has been filled with lies,
you feel no reason to even try.

but this isnt the final day,
it can go another way.
things will come clear,
now that i am here.

*chorus*
can't you here your heart cry,
because you don't realize,
the one you left behind
is really something new to find.

the pain that will not end,
doesn't have to come again.
don't you even cry
as the time goes wandering by.

just stay by my side,
we'll make amends tonight.
no more endless strife,
its time for a new life.
*end chorus*

Getting lost inside your mind,
left with nothing to find.
try to mend your broken past,
but none of it would ever last.

Holding on to things too tight,
searching hard to find the light.
letting out hopeless tears,
left with everything to fear.

but you dont need to run away,
things can go another way,
dont need another sign,
let me help you out this time.
*chorus*

(slowly)
Not another darkened lie....
Not another stupid fight...
this time the pain will end...
this time the pain will end!

*chorus*
if you were to die today, would you be able to tell yourself that you did everything you wanted and everything you could?
* * *
life is a puzzle. want to put it together with me?
  





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42 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 42
Wed Mar 07, 2007 11:34 pm
xalabasteralienx says...



I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!!! :D

it's so beautiful and heartfelt. it sounds great and wonderful and brilliant...and i don't think there's even a word invented for how much that ROCKS!!!
you are a great song writer! keep at it!
Lestat: What have we told you? Never in the house.

Claudia: I promise I'll get rid of the bodies.
  





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42 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 42
Wed Mar 07, 2007 11:53 pm
xalabasteralienx says...



sorry, but I forget what i want to say a lot of the time and then it comes back to me and i have to reply again.

so anyway, i wrote an english paper and it was called rebirth. it had a totally different concept than yours, but it kind of fit.

"Sanity is madness put to good uses." --George Santayana (hope this helps)

see ya!
Lestat: What have we told you? Never in the house.

Claudia: I promise I'll get rid of the bodies.
  





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Points: 36224
Reviews: 1275
Wed Mar 14, 2007 8:14 pm
niteowl says...



Just for the record, xalabasteralienx, you can edit your own posts if no one has posted underneath them. Now on to the critique:

The "own" rhyme scheme in the first couple stanzas was kind of annoying and sounded forced. The rest of your rhyming seemed alright to me.

Your chorus was too long for my taste. A chorus should be short and sweet so it can stick in the listener's mind when you repeat it. This one just seemed like another verse. Your ending might have made a more fitting chorus. Or you could just condense the one you have.

Overall, though, I loved it, especially the second verse. :mrgreen:
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

<YWS><R1>
  








"Who am I? I'm just a writer. I write things down. I walk through your dreams and invent the future."
— Richard Siken