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My Savior



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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 14
Wed Jan 03, 2007 5:02 pm
CandyVille says...



The night you stuck that flower in my hair,
I took it as a sign,
And hoped that it would stay there.
I could not lie,
And I could not cry
Bout the night you became my savior

I didn’t know what to say I was too scared
And i felt like I shrunk away….into nothing
Oh why are you doing this if you supposed to be

….my savior the one who helps
The one who’s there for me
You left me in my time of need!
Would I ever do that to you!

You were everything I’d always dreamed of
And I’d hoped you’d be there for me
But that was a while ago, seems like things weren’t meant tooo be

.I can’t believe things won’t turn out the way I hoped
You were supposed to be the ONE!
Oh why is this happenin to me!?!?!
It just makes no sense

You used to be my savior
I don’t know why it happened otherwise
You’re supposed to be there for me!
So why are you leaving me
When I clearly need… your help!?!?

You’re supposed to stick your hand out and let m take hold…
You’re supposed to pull me back tooo shore!
It’s your job to pick me up when I fall down
It was required for you to give me your shoulder when I was sad
But you were always there for me…and you still should be
KiTKaT
  





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Points: 36224
Reviews: 1275
Mon Jan 08, 2007 12:12 pm
niteowl says...



This is okay, but I have some critiques. First off, since you clearly know how to spell "to", are the "tooo"'s supposed to indicate a longer-held note? If they are, then it sort of makes sense. If not, fix them. There's some other typos ("m" instead of "me", etc.) but I'll let you find them.

Second off, you clearly like puncuation. This isn't a bad thing, but the excessive "!"'s and "?!?!"s take away from their meaning a bit. I suppose this would indicate that the phrase is sung with a bit more emotion or screaming, but I personally think that with lyrics, you should keep it simple.

Now on to some actual lines:

I could not lie
And I could not cry
Bout the night you became my savior


I have read this piece many times and STILL cannot figure out what you're trying to say here. Make it a little more specific. It would be more interesting.

It was required for you to give me your shoulder when I was sad


Too many syllables! Maybe "You were supposed to..." or something like that.

Also there's a lot of cliches in here. "The one", "meant to be" and "there for me" are the main ones. While one of these wouldn't be too bad, all three of them completely obscure whatever meaning there is in this piece. "You were supposed to be there for me," comes up a lot. Why was "you" supposed to be there? How wasn't he? How can you express your emotions about this betrayal in an original way?

This piece may have some potential. Keep living, writing, and improving, then come back and see what you can do with it. :mrgreen:
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

<YWS><R1>
  








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