z

Young Writers Society


Tired Feet



User avatar
236 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4825
Reviews: 236
Mon Dec 04, 2006 10:41 pm
carelessaussie13 says...



Tired Feet

Tired feet, got to rest,
Sitting still, eyes closed,
Letting memories wash over me.
Emotions, dim with time,
Skitter across an endless pond
That seems to be my mind,
And I wonder how I survive,
When my feet are so tired
And I’ve got to rest.
Scenes from half-forgotten pasts,
Some parts fuzzy, others vivid,
Times gone by and people lost.
Memories of streams and splashing,
Skates and snowmen,
Visions of people I have loved.
Gray hair, once brown,
Hands wrinkled and spotted
With age-marks, one for every year
That I have treaded, on tired feet,
Through pasts and presents,
Dreaming of futures when my feet
Are weightless and I can float
Through layers of clouds,
As if I was not flesh but feathers.
But no, my feet are tired,
And right now I have to rest.
Eyes closed, dreaming,
Whistling tunes half forgotten.
Just remembering.


:oops: My poetry hasn't been very well received, so lets hope I can change the downward spiral of my reputation with this poem.
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark
  





User avatar
3821 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3491
Reviews: 3821
Tue Dec 05, 2006 12:51 am
Snoink says...



Hehehe, don't worry. In the end, you shouldn't write for an audience, but yourself. Though aiming to improve is always good. ;)

I would focus more on the tired feet. My main question was, why are they tired? There are so many poems about memories that it's almost cliché to bring them in. But sore feet? That's something that is interesting, if only because I haven't seen it around very often in poetry! Focus more on the feet and less on the memories, trimming down the memory part, and it should be fine. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  








I like anchovies~ but nobody calls me that.
— alliyah