Young Writers Society

When tears burn your cheeks when you come to visit,
Will you still cherish our time together?
Will your heart still sing to the same beat as mine,
Once mine has stopped beating forever?

Can you tell me what the flowers smell like,
Before you place them six feet above me?
Can you read me aloud what's written on my tombstone,
When its too far away for me to see?

When my name slips further into memories,
Just faded font on an obituary page,
Will you still write me a card on my birthday,
And leave it nestled against my grave?

The ending was touchy.
Well done!

Turnstiles--


I think you've come to the wrong place with this. It's a collection of rambling generalities and forced rhymes, and it has virtually nothing to offer the sentient reader.

It cannot be improved by any editing process that doesn't begin with discarding it entirely.

While you might wish to get a detailed critique on improving this, or hear at least some word of support, I can't honestly do either. The piece isn't worth the effort to dissect.

Distill the idea from this and try again.


Best of luck,
Brad

This shouldn't be in lyrics, should it?
It doesn't sound like a poem, nor is it long enough to be a poem.
Try to post thing, maybe, in other poetry.

Oh- duh, it is very good! It is a bit shaky at the end as Ani said. But still very good.

Pandora

Wow! That was very heartfelt. And the ending was beautiful!

Like PandorasWritings said, it doesn't really sound like lyrics for a song, but it could be a poem, as any number of verses can be classed as a poem.

RR*