Young Writers Society

Okay well I've never done NaPo and I'm starting this a little late so expect more than one poem on some days. I'm going to try out some different types of poetry but this first one is just one I wrote really quick. (I'm not very good at poetry so if anyone has any tips feel free to tell me) Hopefully I'll get better as the month goes on.

~peanut~

April 4th, 2010
Poem 1: Chain Reaction (Probably not the title)

The house quivers
like an arrow shaking against a bow.
A cobalt bow falls from the mantle,
and the fire consumes.

The fire is hate,
loathing that sucks the life
from all beings.
The little girl reaches for the blue strip.

Death smiles as He watches
the tongues licking the girl.
Her clothes catch;
the bow is no more.

No more tears fall.
The mother’s eyes have desiccated,
her heart burns with sorrow.
Sadness fills her world.

Hi, Peanut! I'm here as requested and I'll follow you for the rest of April, too, okay?

This first poem has a nice story behind it, but for being something so horrific in theory, it doesn't really make me feel anything.

The house quivers
like an arrow shaking against a bow.
A cobalt bow falls from the mantle,
and the fire consumes.

I liked the opening line, but I immediately pictured a shaking hand that made the arrow shake and wanted to know about that, but instead the bow was left behind. You did mean that it was left behind, right? Is the cobalt bow a ribbon, now, or is it still a bow? If so, that's interesting to take an object from your simile and put it into the poem, and I would be really interested in that as well if only you'd focus on it. Instead you go on to the fire, which isn't described in any new or interesting way, and by the end I'd rather you focus on the girl and the feeling of burning and more on the reaction of her mother.

I feel like this poem could benefit from expansion! That's good, because it means I'm interested in what descriptions you've already given and I want to know more. xD

I shall be here when you post again! ^___^

-Hannah-

April 4th, 2010
Poems 2-5

Cinquains-

Picture
Still-life mirror
Smiling, posing, captured
Happiness, blinding flash, forever
Memory



Song
Musical story
Singing, tone, inspiration
Emotional instrumental dreams
Melody


Haiku-
rolling down green hills,
chased after by tiny legs
eggs hide unfound.

Hehe, I like your Haiku. It was happy and simple, but I didn't know how the eggs could hide and roll at the same time.

One of the things I really liked about your first poem in this second bunch was what I learned about the pairing of words.

Happiness, blinding flash,

If these words were separated or placed differently, they might have felt different for me, but instead the word 'happiness' connected to the word 'blinding' and gave me a completely different tone to apply to happiness. Happiness is usually a bland word and it's difficult to use in poetry because it means so many different things to so many different people, but you kind of modified it with 'blinding' by placing it so close, and it gave a great, white image in my head. It also had me thinking about being blinded by happiness. Pay attention to positioning words from now on, because I know that I will, too!

-Hannah-

I'm like so behind it's not funny, but I wrote 4 poems today (just short ones). Hope y'all like them.(**None of these have anything to do with eachother, the spaces between are to show a new poem starting**)

April 19th, 2010
Her life is a torch,
cool air fueling her actions and
the fiery words that blaze on her lips.
Heated arguments, contradicting everything
that’s said. But he sucks the life away
diminishing the flickering flames
stealing her life, until she fades.



His hands are hearing aids,
creating words from motion.
Fluent movements singing
unheard whispers to me,
guiding me through the noise.



Your compassion is a palm tree,
shading me from shining hate,
from radiant fire pouring down.
Shielding me from ice cold drops
of jealousy, and allowing winds of hope
to whisper through.



The balloon is forever,
lasting through time and space.
After it’s yellow debris falls,
the memories it held rush
into the air, mingling with untold stories.