Young Writers Society

re: #7--

Poets try for perfect rhyme
and get it right from time to time.
Often though, it seems they can't
and settle for imperfect slant.
The reader then must pause and wonder
was it planned or was it blunder?
If the former, great applause.
If the latter, that's just how it goes.

=)


Nice work. I especially appreciate #3, 5 and 6.

To Nine--

Oy, the alliteration is deft--not too heavy nor cheap, it seems to drop from one line to the next.

Something in 'rich funeral' sounds odd. Perhaps 'tis the image, or merely that the sound of the adjective strikes the ear oddly.

(I'm bloody glad NaPo got you to write poetry again, Jack. ^_^)




IMP

#9 number nine

with words as pale as moonlight
he paints a paradox so pretty,
they worship the perplexity
and fail to see the funeral
so rich and dead before their eyes.

Awwwh. That's so pretty. I've noticed that a lot of good poems are short adn to the point. This is one of them. The only critique i can offer is the second line. The comma makes a pause, and it didn't fit right for me.

Good job!!!

:Sythe:

April 1: I agree that the rhyme in that second stanza is off, also, I think you should add an extra line so that it's four in length like the others. I love how you've used the double meaning of 'Spring' in your third stanza and your imagery is lovely. However, the end is a little weak and it wouldn't hurt to cut a few of the sophisticated words.

April 2:

an invisibility, a debris, a long-lost would-be

The theme for this one is not original but your words and wonderful imagery generally are. I love the simplicity of your first line and how, at the same time, it's both beautiful and meaningful and really introduces the poem. I think stanza to is my favourite though I'm not so sure about the last line.

April 3: Very pretty imagery, particularly in that first and fourth stanzas. I love all the colours and the atmosphere of this one, it's really great.

April 4: I had to read this one two or three times to gather meaning from it. The meaning is there and strong but I found it hard to locate behind your vague meanderings. That's not necessarily a bad things. I'm sure that those of sharper wits would understand it in the first instance but I have to agree that some visual images would improve it.

April 5: It was a little plain and simple compared to your usual work but the wit of it amused me and I think the idea behind it was good. Now, if you extended it and went into more detail about structures, not just in writing but in other aspects of life, I think you could build a stronger arguement and therefore, poem.

April 6:

but I do not know wherefrom

Just thought I'd point the missing space out. I think this one is my least favourite so far though the use of rhyme was nice and I did quite like the final couplet.

April 7: This one starts of with great strength but I felt that the ending was a little weak. The structure of the first stanza is wonderful, very clever, but there's something about the last line of stanza one that's a little jerky. I think line one of the third stanza is a touch out of tone with 'sweet way'. In general though, it's good.

April 8: I found the blunt end of this to be a little surprising, in a good way though and generally I found the imagery weaker than in some of your earlier NaPo's but it's good. I think my favourite part has to be the ambiguity of the last line of stanza two.

April 9: It's simple and pretty. Nothing particularly amazing but I like it. Good work.

*cracks whip*

Oy, Jack...where then has the poetic output gone to?












IMP