Young Writers Society

This is will be painful/dark.

Most likely 80% angst. I'm just gonna let it all out here.

Also lots of mushy lovey-dovey stuff despite my lack of a love life, and basically this will be ponderings of mine.

Annnnnnd yet there will be glimmers of hope! (Hopefully lol,we'll see where this takes me.)

<3

Last year: a bohemian's guide through solivagant travels

Day One

broken faces

the mirror was broken three years ago,

yet we still wake up to it everyday

we ignore the same river lined cracks,
that delicately decorate the plain glass of the past

we forget the scars that line the once perfect fame,
the proud antique fading away like the spark behind our
eyes

and i thought it would last forever, maybe not the joy,
maybe not the quiet moments where your smiles were clear to see--
without a slice in the middle of your lips and teeth,

but i thought the mirror,

[the mirror we bought that day we chose each other]

i thought that it would last longer than we ever would,

that's why we got it right?

we wanted it to remind us who we were to each other,
remind us that we are a refection of each other,
especially through each others eyes,

[but now your eyes have rings under them and i can't see your left eye from the dented glass]

i think the mirror was broken the day we bought it,
though we thought it looked brand new,
and now we don't know how to fix it,

so we still wake up to it everyday

Day Two

go ahead and try

"You can try." I offered with a smile.

{you can always try to make me feel something, make me whole;
feel free to mold me with your fingers or speak to me like i'm your recorder,
stuffing messages in my mind, without a care in the world

you can try to teach me things, i'll be the best student,
quietly soaking up your lessons, while trying to see if they
fit into the puzzle that is my life

you can try to cheer me up with laughter and light jokes,
food even, food will fill me up with warmth,

that is, until i throw it up and out
along with all the anger i've been bottling in,
because while you can try,

i don't need you

maybe i do need your infectious joy while i'm sick, to heal,
or maybe your jokes can actually make me laugh,
but i don't need you because i can't need you, because you can't fix me

you can try to fill my cracks with love,
and you can tell me that it will be alright,
soft lies are allowed in order to pick someone off the ground,

but you won't understand,
you can't understand why i was on the ground in the first place,
or how my body met the concrete, or the pain of the fall

you can beg me to let you in, and call me names in frustration
until we both collapse in tears and can't see anything but blurriness all
the way down to our soles [souls], and you can wrap me up in your arms and
hush me softly telling me all the things i want to hear,

darling you can try

but you can't fix me, you can't save me, you can't build me up,
you can't make me change,
i don't really know how to explain, and you don't know how to listen
but we all have our own journey,
and mine is to be where i am right now figuring it all out,

so i don't need you

Day Three

Battle Wounds

you sharpen your words on sharp rocks,
carving out skillful insults that drive deep
into the depths of my tender heart and i
burst into a million balloon pieces strewn
across the hardwood floor, begging for a
chance to take a step back, but you're in
the zone and you know just how to twist
the knife and bleed me out, the tears aren't
going to stop, but i hope that they drown you
too.

***

now i'm smarter so i hide behind the chair of
wisdom and i stay silent.

i don't fight back or try to make sense of all this nonsense
[in order to tend to my wounds]
because i can't keep breaking
or i will never mend, instead,
i sew myself together tougher
and stronger,

so that you have to tear me apart with your bare
hands.

i dare you to.

Day Four

[untitled]

i'm not in love with you
it's simple really,
i'm in love with the idea of being in love with you
of our hands fitting perfectly together,
your smile lighting a fire in my chest and mine in yours
until we burn into fire-crackers and color the sky in vibrant -

see?

i'm not in love with you
it's very clear,
i'm in love with the thought of us being together
maybe going on an adventure and building,
moments upon moments of genuine belly-deep
laughter and the shine in my eyes will mirror yours -

what?

i'm just in love with you
in a distant form, like the sun is in love with the earth,
it shines from afar, but it can still burn, but i'm not in love with you
i just want to know what it's like to know you, know what it's like
to be known by you, if everything we think about each other is true -

then?

but i'm not in love with you
i hope, i hold dearly to this hope that i'm dreaming,
and i'll wake up because this nightmare is the
worst, and i can't take the feelings anymore, because they
strangle me: excitement, joy, happiness, fear, frustration, regret, lo-

sorry?

i promise i'm not in love with you anymore
not in any form,
i'm not afraid to admit i thought of it though,
what it would be like to be in love with you...
but it's not worth it to fall, when you don't know
where you are going to land.

but i wasn't in love with you, no.


[i cried]

Day Five

Morning Routine

Up it rises,
daylight shines through my window as I yawn away the sleepiness and take a deep breath.

Today let me breathe a little easier, I pray, arms stretched to the ceiling, eyes still trying to close.

The mint flavored morning wind wipes my tired brow and pulls me into sitting position.

There isn't much else for me to do, as my arms slump by my sides, and my ears hear the early birds happy to be alive.

I sing with them, my own tune, hoping to be a little more excited to face a songless world, empty as the blue sky outside my window.

There are moments of joy I remind myself, I remember that there will be new flowers opening their buds and welcoming my smile when I pass them.

But my mind is still foggy and I dread the idea of dark stares, like dark skies threatening rain.

I freeze under my covers at the thought of people watching my every move, and sometimes tripping me up with subtle jabs, that break my morning spirit.

The cold defrosts, as soon as my mind clears and I try to grapple with the idea that I am stronger than what I think people think of me.

So I pull the cover down a bit farther and look to my right at my childhood pictures, and my eyes start to water, because I want to go back.

To when I would wake up without a care in the world, ready to face whatever was coming at me, with a smile or a laugh, or a game.

I think of moments when I didn't see how much the world changes it's view of you, and how much your view of the world changes.

And I sigh knowing it doesn't matter what I think, or want. The bed is a temporary refuge, and I need to go out and fight.

So I do.

Day Six

laughing underwater

I.

my head is buried in the waves,
they come in beats, there is a moment of silence,
and then they crash over me

you are trying to carry me, and of course you fail,
so i fall into the ocean's arms and wait for you to try again,
you reach for me and i try to escape from your grasp,
until i gasp,

removing the soft wet curls tangled around my face
while i laugh, at your madness, and the happiness bubbling
from the pit of my stomach,
refusing to allow me to breathe.

II.

the waves only come in headaches,
the shouting and the anger raging the seas that
storm within me, brewing strong winds that hit me hard,
causing me to break down and rain all over my face,
and the giggle that spills from my mouth
is both pitiful and sardonic but,

i never liked make-up anyways.

III.

swimming was always beautiful to me,
an expert act of arms and legs, and careful movements
that carry us from one part of the water to the next,
and so when i watch you swim the 'frog' and how the
instructor tells you, to watch her carefully, but you ignore her
and still you say you're the better swimmer,

i throw my head back--despite how i cough and sputter a moment later--and laugh.

IV.

it's dark and no one can see the way you look
at me, only the moonlight shines above us, the water our blankets,
and only i know what you look like with your guard down, completely naked,
your eyes are shining with something that even i can't quite describe,
but mirth lights up a moment later as you pinch my side and i squeal and threaten to run away with our things.

"How will you make it home?" i laugh.

V.
i thought i hated camping, but it's just the trek,
and the bugs that creep on my feet, the discomfort,
but the way you smile at the me
and how breathtaking the beautiful raw art of the world is,
makes it okay. then there's a river and i give a warning look,
but you push me in anyways, thinking it'll be funny,
until i start to drift, and you panic,
you're frantic and run towards me,
and it's then, and only then, that i bellow out with laughter,
as i find something to hold onto.

VI.
our love is surrounded by water,
so it only makes sense that i'm in white
on the beach and i try not to cry so that i survive,
so that the day isn't anymore cheesy than it already is.

but you make a joke and i burst out laughing uncontrollably,
until the tears start rolling, and goodness, i sob, i sob for so long,
you look worried and the ceremony stops and you hold me in your arms,
but then i laugh again, harder, because this was such a mess,
your coat is swimming in my tears.

i laugh because,
our love is the ocean,
and i'm so deep underwater i have forgotten what it's like to breathe air.

@Autumns

Day 8

Where have you been?

This is very personal and for cathartic purposes.

Day 9

{right on the edge of}
Insanity

i keep on wondering if tomorrow will come sooner
if i hide my eyes in the palm of my hands
and count to ten
over and over again

maybe the year will pass by quickly if
i tap my feet in twenty second intervals,
or maybe the thoughts that tell me to stop,
won't stop and i will keep going

letting time continue to run away
from me while wishing i could run away
from me, and that night would fall quickly

it's weird when you're on the edge, when
you feel like you've just about had enough
of everything this life has thrown at you,
and you're ready to fly

i don't want to fly down to the end of all
that i know and hold dear to me,
but i want to fly to the hidden corners
where no one will find me, and i can live
in my little world, where sanity doesn't even exist

where we all breathe the same air,
and smile the same smile,
unburdened by hidden lives we strive to hide,

where light creaks through open doors
that will never close, and coffee smells
like hot chocolate, but keeps you awake all
night, and i'll sleep in the wilderness, when i do,
wrapped up in a blanket of peace, and really rest

and where i get to live a little more
like my life isn't tied to a greater hold
of what should be, and could be, and would be,
but there will only be what is, and what is
would be enough

but what is enough?

Day 10

Flying carpet

i hate the feeling of falling,
it builds up excitement,
only to let you down

it twists your stomach,
carries you so far,
till your insides lift up,
and you meet the concrete

i don't want to fall again,
not in that way where it feels,
it feels like i'm soaring in the sky

then reality smacks me in the face,
and i realize, i was only dreaming again,

i can't let the pain of gravity,
take over my heart and squeeze,
i need some kind of security

i hate the feeling of falling,
but i love the feeling of flying
and boy do i want to fly

so where is your magic carpet?
i won't hold your hand,
i won't look you in the eyes,
unless i know you won't let me down

unless you're sure we can fly

and i won't be tricked again,
my arms don't grow wings,
so promise me this time,

i won't hate the feeling of falling,
because you'll always be there,
with your ride, ready to

pick me up,
hold me close,
don't let me land,

then i can let myself,

f
a
l
l

and f l y

@Autumns

Day 11

Windshield

back and forth i go,
wiping away all the tears

aren't you tired

i ask myself,
you're running in circles

why don't you stop

i need to pause,
i need a break,
just one day

in the still and silence

where my thoughts,
are actually heard

the fears won't go away

and i can't face them,
the torn up pieces inside

i just want to close my eyes

but i don't want to hide,
there is still so much to find

back and forth i go,
wiping away all the tears

eventually i will wipe away all the rain

//be my own windshield//

until then,
in the silence i stay

Day 12

{carry these bones}

broken,
that's what i am,

i am broken,

and yet,

i want you to stay.

i want you to wait for me,
wait while i fight these demons,
while i wield my sword,

i want you to cry with me,
when i can't fake it anymore,
when the tears escape my face

i want you to hold me,
deeply nestled in your arms,
my frame carved into yours,
wrapped up in our little world

i want you to love me,
keep me as close as possible,
and you can warm me up with
your heart beating right next to mine

broken,
are my bones,

and yet,

i need you to stay,

you may not be able to heal me,

but you and me, we can,

carry these bones.

Day 13

Lemonade

sometimes,
some people won't understand,
and that's okay.

they won't get how it feels,
to look at yourself, and think,
why can't i look like her?

they won't understand the frustration,
of trying to comb through a thick beautiful
bundle of 4c hair, and breaking a couple of brushes.

they won't get how three year old's have their scalps burned,
for the sake of 'good hair'.

they can't understand the angry stares you get,
when you accidentally brush against some people.

they won't be able to fathom the feeling, of people thinking
you reaching to that corner, means you're trying to take something.

they won't get how behind the 'bitch face', is just a thoughtful mind.

they won't understand the relief,
to see someone that looks like you,
acts like you,
and is completely proud of who she is.

not some loud obnoxious woman,
not some background character.

they won't believe how some people bleach their skin, so they
can be the light-skinned model.

they won't understand the meaning of freedom to many.

or how women are powerful beings.

some people won't understand,
i hope you do,
we all go through struggles,
no matter the color of our skin,

but you can't deny,
that we deserve to be heard,
and we deserved to be seen,
we deserve to be beautiful,
we deserve to be the leading lady,
the desired princess,
the poster girl,
the queen,
the hero,
the equal human.

black women rocking,
doesn't mean anything less for anyone else,
we just want to let you know,
we rock,
as well.

the world has given us lemons,
but we will continue to make lemonade.

Day 14

::Apart::

you don't have to tear me apart
to see inside of me,

i will tell you what you want to know,
don't try to dig for it,

you won't find anything but dead roots,
withering at their seams.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

you don't have to yell and scream,
to get me to listen,

i promise i will open my up ears,
and lean a little closer,

so that i can hear you breathing,
i will catch everything.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

you won't have to ask me for anything,
i am already ready to give it all,

you can take what you need,
and then some,

i will break apart for you.