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Young Writers Society


Where the Sky Divides



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36 Reviews


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Points: 890
Reviews: 36
Fri Apr 20, 2007 2:42 am
lillizard says...



I do not like this line...

The sky paints a painting of art.


It's very repetitive...'paints a painting' and typically a painting IS art, so that seems repetitive as well. I feel like this line is forced because you needed it to rhyme with the last line, but that makes it sound bad. Rhyme schemes are only good when they are written around the poem, not when the poem is written around the rhyme.

Other than that, I have no idea where you are going with this--but it needs more.

Happy Editing,
WM
If you are a dreamer, come in. If you are a wisher, a lier, a magic bean buyer. If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, For we have some flax-golden tales to spin Come In! Come In!~Shel Silverstein
  





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Fri Apr 20, 2007 5:10 am
Snoink says...



Er... where is this from? You may want to copy this and repost it so the author can see this.

*moves to Randomness*
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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36 Reviews


Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 36
Fri Apr 20, 2007 9:31 pm
lillizard says...



?!? Somebody changed my post?!?
If you are a dreamer, come in. If you are a wisher, a lier, a magic bean buyer. If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, For we have some flax-golden tales to spin Come In! Come In!~Shel Silverstein
  








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