Where the Sky Divides

3 posts
User avatar
lillizard
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 36
Fri Apr 20, 2007 2:42 am
lillizard says... · Fri Apr 20, 2007 2:42 am
I do not like this line...

The sky paints a painting of art.


It's very repetitive...'paints a painting' and typically a painting IS art, so that seems repetitive as well. I feel like this line is forced because you needed it to rhyme with the last line, but that makes it sound bad. Rhyme schemes are only good when they are written around the poem, not when the poem is written around the rhyme.

Other than that, I have no idea where you are going with this--but it needs more.

Happy Editing,
WM
If you are a dreamer, come in. If you are a wisher, a lier, a magic bean buyer. If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, For we have some flax-golden tales to spin Come In! Come In!~Shel Silverstein
Quote




User avatar
Snoink
Supporter
Gender Female
Points 10886
Reviews 3909
Fri Apr 20, 2007 5:10 am
Snoink says... · Fri Apr 20, 2007 5:10 am
Er... where is this from? You may want to copy this and repost it so the author can see this.

*moves to Randomness*
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
Quote




User avatar
lillizard
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 36
Fri Apr 20, 2007 9:31 pm
lillizard says... · Fri Apr 20, 2007 9:31 pm
?!? Somebody changed my post?!?
If you are a dreamer, come in. If you are a wisher, a lier, a magic bean buyer. If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, For we have some flax-golden tales to spin Come In! Come In!~Shel Silverstein
Quote

3 posts


There are those who say that life is like a book, with chapters for each event in your life and a limited number of pages on which you can spend your time. But I prefer to think that a book is like a life, particularly a good one, which is well to worth staying up all night to finish.
— Lemony Snicket