Young Writers Society

I wrote this for my English class, but I really enjoyed writing it, and it was really the only non-essay thing we did in that class so I was pretty proud of it. Anyway this is a memoir of a moment between a long term best friend of mine back in 8th grade.


“I wouldn’t care if you killed yourself.” The words spewed out of me as harsh and cold as the winter air. In fact, it was harsh enough to sting me a bit. Marisa didn’t yell, curse obscenities, or even get violent. She simply just walked away silently, abandoning me on her moonlit street around midnight. My arms wanted to catch the words as soon as they were said and shove them back down my throat. Each of those words could’ve torn away a year we had clung to each other as best friends and “twins.” I suddenly felt colder, and hugged my winter coat closer as I watched her crush snow on the side of the streets, as she normally did, and wondered how she managed to stay warm while wearing ballerina shoes. I had no idea what to do about us anymore. That fact was even more obvious, considering I could ever say that to someone, let alone someone I thought of dearly. Should I walk away? That would have seemed even more cruel than what I just said. Try and take it back? It was probably too late, and knowing myself I’d say something even worse on top of it.

While my brain was doing somersaults in my skull debating what I should do, I stood motionless for at least twenty minutes. She had followed the street around the block, and was far past the point where I could see or hear her. More ideas festered in my head, which didn’t help the worrywart in me. Even if she was older than I, and was not even part of my actual family, I went into parent-mode. I knew these neighborhood streets inside and out, but I doubted she wanted me searching for her. Maybe she already went home never wanting to speak to me again, and I didn’t notice considering her house is several hundred feet behind me. At least a million words flew inside my mind before I finally turned back around and scuffed my feet back to her house. I didn’t dare step inside figuring her parents would wonder why I wouldn’t know where she was. Instead, I leaned uncomfortably against her father’s old truck in the driveway, so I could see when, and if, she headed back.

Approximately another twenty minutes had past before I heard the familiar crunch sound, and faintly saw her silhouette in a dim light provided by her neighbor’s front porch. She just stared at the ground. I highly doubted she even noticed I moved, or maybe she just didn’t care. After loads of anticipation, stress, and worry, she once again was five feet in front of me. We shared an awkward, uncommitted wave to each other, both of us staring at our feet. Marisa was the first one to speak like normal, and for the first time in a while, she had some waver to her voice, and showed the weakness she always claimed to have. “So uhm… you’re still sleeping over right?”

Hey there Walkitch! This is a nice little piece but I'm sure we can find a few things to make it even better.

Paragraphing

At the moment we've only got three huge paragraphs and, although it's a relatively short piece, I'm sure you could make it more digestible if you break them up into smaller pieces. Have an experiment with what looks good on the page and, of course, what helps keep the ideas of the piece in a natural and logical order.

Language

I loved the image of Marisa crushing snow beneath "ballerina shoes". That's really great, and it'd be nice to see more powerful images like this. What makes it especially good is that you can link it to the "destructive" theme of the piece -- a friendship being crushed, pride being crushed, and the most destructive act of all of taking a life.

I think the opening sentence would work better if it was alone on a line (this sort of links in with the paragraphing above). In fact sentences that are alone on lines are very much like the protagonist in this piece (if you're willing to put this sort of "poetic" detail into your writing)!

Although you're depicting teenage girls, and necessarily the language will be a bit childish, I think the narration could be a bit more adult. The phrase "parent-mode" seems a bit awkward, though that could just be my taste, and the easy exaggeration of "at least a million words" seems a bit over-dramatic. It's up to you how to play this one, ultimately, but I'd consider revising it and seeing which version you prefer.

Overall

It's a nice little piece, although it could do with a bit more strength in terms of plot. Yes it's only short, and yes you do focus very well on the one conflict, but it doesn't seem like the ultimate redemption of the piece is actually caused by the actions of the protagonist.

As Marisa comes back round in the end, despite the protagonist's harsh words, we have a feeling of relief because the tension is diffused. But the feeling of satisfaction is missing because most of the conflict is resolved just by waiting long enough.

Perhaps a point of view from Marisa would help, but the story does stand well on its own and I hate to disturb something that is actually very nice just to contort it into something that it's not. It's your call, as ever, on how much you take from this review, but if you have any questions or want to discuss it further then don't hesitate to send me a PM.


Charlie

Thank you